(Continuation of I Mean, The Sweatshirt Makes a Good Point )
The first thing Eric did when he walked in the apartment was put the sweatshirt in his closet, then throw the note at me and say, in his most annoyed tone, “You know, it took you more time to write that note than it would have to just put the sweatshirt away.”
But, again, what was the FIRST thing he did when he walked into the apartment?
It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
#training
See, I don’t nag him. The clothes do.
This is why I love her, though. #toocool
(Continuation of My Mother, Trying to Group Text )
Just in time for Mother’s Day…
Entirely unnecessary, but ok…
He forgot Steph was on the text chain.
Eric: “You wrote in your anniversary card that you love when we go splitsies. When have we ever split the bill?”
Me: “No, I meant, like, when we can’t decide between two main dishes– so you get the steak and I get the duck, and we split each dish. You know, splitsies.”
Eric: “So basically you love that you get to sample all the food that I pay for.”
(long pause)
Me: “Yes.”
It sounded cuter in my head.
Amount of times I asked Eric “Are we allowed to eat THIS?” while shopping for paleo foods today: 98
Amount of times Eric had to remind me that dairy is not allowed: 98
Amount of times Eric had to remind me that cheese is, in fact, dairy: 98
Amount of times I tried to lick a wedge of Brie: 6
Amount of times Eric pretended to not know me : 7 (6 for the Brie incidents, 1 for when I casually molested a huge ball of mozzarella)
Amount my love for Eric has decreased since he came up with the idea to remove dairy and sugar from my life: 13% (this number constantly fluctuates depending on how many bandanas he’s wearing, so no one panic, Mom.)
Amount of people I’ve wanted to kill today: 2 (down from a normal average of 9. It’ll never be less than 2. I live in New York.)
Amount of stomach aches I’ve had today: 0 (down from a normal average of 3– one per meal)
Amount of headaches I’ve had today: 0 (down from a normal average of 3– one for each time the 4-hour Advil wears off)
Amount of times I’ve been hungry or unsatisfied today: 0 (down from a normal average of always)
Amount of times I’ve been anxious today: 0 (down from an average of 70% of all waking hours, plus about 40% of all sleeping hours. Tidal-wave dreams are no joke, guys.)
Amount of times I’ve been willing to admit to Eric that this might be a really great idea after all: 0 (I’m still me)
Amount of feel-good days that will pass before I will be willing to admit to Eric that this might be a really great idea after all: n/a (I don’t admit things, I simply change the story of what happened)
Amount of credit I will take if we decide that paleo has completely changed our lives and health for the better: 100%
Reasons Eric has for dealing with me: 0 (Really. I don’t understand how he does it.)
“Look! It’s me and you in vegetable form!” –Eric, shopping paleo today. He’s the short, lumpy spud on the left, in case that wasn’t clear. Apparently I carry my weight in my hips 
I was wondering what I did before Google, so I did what I always do when I start wondering.
There was a shooting at Montgomery Mall, which is less than 5 minutes from my parents’ house. Nobody had heard from Mom.
What ensued was the world’s jewiest game of Clue.
Then, hours later, Mom, unable to figure out the tricky mechanics of group texting (she has an iPhone), sent this to just Jeremy:
Case closed.
Not only is Mom alive, she lives a way better life than the rest of us.
Emily's Posts 