I Heard You
(Screaming from the kitchen): “Oh my god babe, come ON! We are a dual income household now! There are things in life you just can NOT be cheap about! Seriously, I can’t live like this!”
–Eric, upon discovering I bought CVS brand paper towels.
Ok. I heard you loud and clear.
You said “I hate it when you save money! Please spend all my money!”
On it.
Last Time I Help That Kid
Today the kids are practicing using similes in poetry.
Kid (writing a poem about fish): “Scaly like…hmmmm….Miss Emily, can you please help me?”
Me: “How about ‘scaly like an old lady’s hands’…”
Kid (looks at my hands): “But your hands aren’t scaly.”
Me: “I’m not an old lady!”
Kid: “Oh.”
Get the fuck out of my classroom.
Things I Learned Watching HGTV
Your home decor should match your personality.
Teacher Appreciation Week
Now that we’ve confirmed that Chipotle is ACTUALLY tainted with E Coli from feces, the free burrito offering to teachers during Teacher Appreciation Week makes complete sense.
“Thanks, teachers! Here’s a free hot steaming pile of shit– in a wrap! You deserve it!”
(I’ll still eat mine)
Boys Are Gross
My 4th grade student told me about her slightly older brother having a sleepover with his friends at their apartment.
Kid: “So I knew he was having a sleepover with all boys so OBVIOUSLY I made plans to sleep at my friend’s house.”
Me: “Oh, yeah. Wise move.”
Kid: “But then my friend got sick and I couldn’t go! So I had to be there with all the boys. AND IT WAS CHAOS.”
Me: “Oh, I can imagine! Boys can be wild.”
Kid: “Yeah but you don’t even understand. Before they went to bed…they did the grossest thing…”
Me: “I’m scared….”
Kid: “They ALL TOOK OFF THEIR SHIRTS.”
Me (relieved but feigning drama): “What?! NO! Their SHIRTS?!”
Kid: “I know. It. Was. DISGUSTING! Boys are soooo gross!!!”
Oh, girlfriend. Just you wait.
Paradise
Me (whining): “Errrrrric….”
Eric: “What?”
Me (stealing his coffee and drinking it): “I have a headache.”
Eric: <on his phone, likely trying to tune me out>
Me (drinking more of his coffee): “I said I have a headache! Are you listening?”
Eric: <mumbled, what-do-you-want-me-to-do-about-it response>
Me: “BUT YOU TOLD ME THIS IS YOUR PARADISE!!!!!!!”
Pretty sure this no longer applies.
Larry Wilmore Stand-Up at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
I haven’t seen this many uncomfortable, unamused white people in one room since the Oscars.
While watching The Revenant…
Me: “If I’m ever attacked by a bear like that, and I survive, just kill me.”
Eric: “Ok!”
Quicker response than I would have liked.
JOE BIDEN KNOWS MY NAME AND HE WROTE ME AN EMAIL!
And he’s asking me for a favor! ME!
And he wants to introduce me to his good friend Katie!
I can’t wait to write him back on the personal email account he used!
He must know about me from the blog.
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