“So, Fairway called me today. They want to know if you’re ok.” — Eric

“So, Fairway called me today. They want to know if you’re ok.” — Eric


Me: “So I think I figured out why I can’t stomach seafood, even though I really want to like it. I try so hard to find seafood I can eat, but I’m just so averse to it. Then this memory came back to me out of nowhere the other day, but it makes so much sense. When I was younger I went on vacation with my family. We left our goldfish at home, unattended, because…well, it was a goldfish, so whatever. When we came back, I was the first one to walk into the kitchen and see, there on the counter, right where we’d snack every day after school, the goldfish– on its side, dried up, shriveled, sad black eye staring at the ceiling. He had probably jumped out of his bowl on day 1, either with a grand plan for freedom or a suicidal death wish, and been crusting over there on the countertop for a week. He was so plastered to the marble that we needed a metal spatula to pry him off. At which point my dad turned to us and said, ‘Fish for dinner!’ Which of course, in hindsight, is hilarious, but at the time I’m pretty sure I was horrified. But anyway, don’t you think that makes so much sense as to why I can’t eat seafood?”
Therapist: “Well do you like the taste of seafood?”
Me: “No.”
Therapist: “So it’s probably just that. You don’t like how it tastes.”

We went to dinner last night and it took them over 45 minutes to deliver the drink we ordered as soon as we sat down. The drink ended up arriving AFTER the food. I was annoyed.
Me: “It’s just– I know this sounds weird but my favorite part of dining out is that pre-food cocktail, where your stomach is kind of empty and the drink feels warm in your belly and kind of goes straight to your head.”
Eric: “No, that’s not weird. I get that. A lot of people say that.”
(pause)
Eric: “They’re all alcoholics, though.”

Arriving at tutoring client’s apartment…
Parent: “L’shana tova! Did you celebrate Rosh Hashana last night?”
Me: “Why thank you! Yes, I did celebrate!”
Parent: “That’s great. Which temple did you go to?”
Oh. No, no.
I just meant that I ate brisket.


Which is a less horribly annoying explanation to give to friends when they ask why you aren’t eating a particular food– “Because I’m paleo” or “Because I’m on the wedding diet.”
Either way I hate myself.
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Last night we’re all sitting on the couch enjoying Zack’s world-famous banana bread.
Me: “This really is the best thing I’ve ever had. And I don’t even like banana bread.”
Zack: “Well, this is actually an existing recipe, I just put my own secret twist on it.”
Me: <shoving more forkfuls in my pie hole>
Zack: “I double the butter.”

Me: (after listing all the ingredients I’d like in my salad) “And then I’ll also have some avocado, chopped up in the salad please.”
Guy: “Do you want just the avocado chopped, or the whole salad chopped?”
Me: “The whole salad. With the avocado in it.”
Guy: (blank stare)
Me: “Like…put the avocado in first, then chop the whole salad up. Together. With the avocado in it.”
Guy: “Ahhhh got it, got it, got it.
(I walk away to pick up some protein bars, then return)
Guy: “Here ya go– one salad, chopped up with avocado!”

This is literally why I quit teaching.
Eric surprised me with a 4th of July themed breakfast in bed (dairy-free acai bowl with grain-free granola, chia seeds, almonds and strawberries. #paleolife), while I slept for 13 hours straight and woke up feeling too lazy and unmotivated to pour myself a coffee. Thank you for this freedom, forefathers!

Me: “But…where’s the blue?”
Eric: “Blueberries were six bucks. You don’t get any. Eat your breakfast.”
Happy 4th, everyone!
