Eric: “You wrote in your anniversary card that you love when we go splitsies. When have we ever split the bill?”
Me: “No, I meant, like, when we can’t decide between two main dishes– so you get the steak and I get the duck, and we split each dish. You know, splitsies.”
Eric: “So basically you love that you get to sample all the food that I pay for.”
(long pause)
Me: “Yes.”
It sounded cuter in my head.
Amount of times I asked Eric “Are we allowed to eat THIS?” while shopping for paleo foods today: 98
Amount of times Eric had to remind me that dairy is not allowed: 98
Amount of times Eric had to remind me that cheese is, in fact, dairy: 98
Amount of times I tried to lick a wedge of Brie: 6
Amount of times Eric pretended to not know me : 7 (6 for the Brie incidents, 1 for when I casually molested a huge ball of mozzarella)
Amount my love for Eric has decreased since he came up with the idea to remove dairy and sugar from my life: 13% (this number constantly fluctuates depending on how many bandanas he’s wearing, so no one panic, Mom.)
Amount of people I’ve wanted to kill today: 2 (down from a normal average of 9. It’ll never be less than 2. I live in New York.)
Amount of stomach aches I’ve had today: 0 (down from a normal average of 3– one per meal)
Amount of headaches I’ve had today: 0 (down from a normal average of 3– one for each time the 4-hour Advil wears off)
Amount of times I’ve been hungry or unsatisfied today: 0 (down from a normal average of always)
Amount of times I’ve been anxious today: 0 (down from an average of 70% of all waking hours, plus about 40% of all sleeping hours. Tidal-wave dreams are no joke, guys.)
Amount of times I’ve been willing to admit to Eric that this might be a really great idea after all: 0 (I’m still me)
Amount of feel-good days that will pass before I will be willing to admit to Eric that this might be a really great idea after all: n/a (I don’t admit things, I simply change the story of what happened)
Amount of credit I will take if we decide that paleo has completely changed our lives and health for the better: 100%
Reasons Eric has for dealing with me: 0 (Really. I don’t understand how he does it.)
“Look! It’s me and you in vegetable form!” –Eric, shopping paleo today. He’s the short, lumpy spud on the left, in case that wasn’t clear. Apparently I carry my weight in my hips 
“Where are they? WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE. ARE. THEY?! Answer me. WHERE ARE THEY? Are you going to answer me? WHERE ARE THEY?!?!?!”
— Eric, upon realizing that he hasn’t seen his bandanas in awhile.
Partly inspired by a scale that told him he gained 9 pounds in the past week, and partly due to my constant complaints of feeling fat, Eric convinced me to try a “Paleo Restart” 30-day program with him.
Even though he discovered this morning that the scale was wrong (um, obviously. 9 pounds in one week? #science), and despite the fact that I didn’t actually want to DO anything about feeling fat, I just wanted him to respond “That’s crazy, you’re not fat! It’s fine to eat that 9th Hershey Nugget!” (um, obviously. #science) he’s still super into the program. Plus, we already paid the $35 for it. So fine.
I went to sleep last night totally on board to start this weekend, but then this morning had a horrifying realization.
Oh, yeah. Why didn’t I think of that?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE EGG SALAD, MUCH LESS MAKE THE FUCKING MAYO FOR EGG SALAD.
No.
I’m out.
(Screaming from the kitchen): “Oh my god babe, come ON! We are a dual income household now! There are things in life you just can NOT be cheap about! Seriously, I can’t live like this!”
–Eric, upon discovering I bought CVS brand paper towels.
Ok. I heard you loud and clear.
You said “I hate it when you save money! Please spend all my money!”
On it.
Me (whining): “Errrrrric….”
Eric: “What?”
Me (stealing his coffee and drinking it): “I have a headache.”
Eric: <on his phone, likely trying to tune me out>
Me (drinking more of his coffee): “I said I have a headache! Are you listening?”
Eric: <mumbled, what-do-you-want-me-to-do-about-it response>
Me: “BUT YOU TOLD ME THIS IS YOUR PARADISE!!!!!!!”
Pretty sure this no longer applies.
While watching The Revenant…
Me: “If I’m ever attacked by a bear like that, and I survive, just kill me.”
Eric: “Ok!”
Quicker response than I would have liked.
Me (singing Justin Bieber): “And if you like…the way…you look that much…then baby you should go and love yourself…and if you think…that AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MURDERER!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!”
And that’s the last time Eric surprised me in the shower.
Eric’s been watching a lot of home renovation shows on HGTV.
“Look, if you stack the blankets sideways, it creates a more modern look.”
I’m having anxiety.
Eric, after paying for our dinner last night at Mas Farmhouse and culminating a week-long, gifts-and-flowers-packed celebration of our anniversary:
“Man. This anniversary ended up being expensive. I should’ve just proposed.”
Um, yeah. Duh.
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