“It sounds like you were just really, really hot.”
— my therapist, when I told the dramatic tale of my “full blown panic attack” in the non-air-conditioned school library.
Alright I’ll admit that’s a possibility.
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Perhaps THIS Will Help You Understand
“You know how you felt when you saw a white/gold dress and your friends all saw a blue/black dress and you just sat there thinking ‘holy shit, is everyone insane, or am I insane? This doesn’t make sense. What is happening?!’
That’s how I feel ALL THE FUCKING TIME. About EVERYTHING.”
— Me, when an incredibly stable friend asked what it’s like to have an anxiety disorder.
I’m Nothing If Not Cultured
That moment when the waiter at one of your favorite restaurants, Beyoglu, tells you that in the name of the restaurant, which you’ve been very carefully pronouncing for years in your best mediterranean accent, the g is silent.
Oh.
So not Bay-oh-GLOO, strong emphasis on the GLOO?
Got it.
Ebola Mom, Part 33
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Tutoring Ebola Mom’s kid…
Me (to kid, whose eyes are bloodshot, with a runny nose): “You feeling ok?”
Kid: “Yeah I just have allergies. I’m allergic to dust and pollen.”
Me: “Ugh I’m sorry. Do you take medication?”
Kid: “No. My mom just tells me not to go near stuff I’m allergic to.”
Me: “She tells you not to go near dust and pollen?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: “That sounds hard to do.”
Kid (sneezing, rubbing eyes): “It is.”
Yeah. Sounds like classic Ebola mom advice.
Better break out those gloves.
“No Air Conditioning in Place of Employment, Despite Subject’s Possession of Master’s Degree”
That’s what it will say as “cause of death” on my coroner’s report, which I imagine will be written and processed by day’s end.
The multipurpose room
You know that feeling when you really have to pee, and you go to the two staff bathrooms, but you can’t use them because both are occupied by children taking standardized tests?
Oh, no? You just pee when you want to pee? In a bathroom without children? That is used AS A BATHROOM.
Well. Lucky you.
#publicschool
Ebola Mom, Part 32
(Continuation of Ebola Mom Part 31 and part of the Ebola Mom series)
Alright, well. I officially don’t understand what is happening.
The Very Worst of All the Feelings
Zack’s having a tough time getting to my apartment for sibling dinner.
On This Mother’s Day, A Classic Quote From My Jewish Mother
Just now, on the phone:
Mom: “So, you had a third date with this guy? That sounds promising!”
Me: “Well, no, we have a third date coming up. But yeah, he’s a good guy.”
Mom: “Good! When’s the date?”
Me: “Thursday.”
Mom: “Ok.”
(long pause)
Mom: “So when is he going to ask you for a weekend date?”
Every Child Left Behind (in a pool of tears and anxiety-induced vomit)
Teachers, people with children, or anyone who knows or cares about teachers or children, this John Oliver rant on standardized testing is a MUST WATCH.
Every bit of it is hilarious because it’s so painfully and pathetically true.
Two of my personal fave highlights:
1. “Pearson are the educational equivalent to Time Warner Cable– either you’ve never had an interaction with them and don’t care, or….they HAVE RUINED YOUR FUCKING LIFE.”
2. Did anyone else know that Pearson uses Craigslist to recruit test-graders? Yes, that’s right– “Pearson chooses test graders the same way that you’d look for a mattress full of bedbugs or a no-strings-attached hand job.” This is like when I found out that Sing at Camp Robindel was judged by the local balloon lady. (sorry to the 99% of readers who have NO idea what I’m referring to, but to the 1% who do, you know the EXACT disappointed feeling I’m talking about).
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