I have a birthday party in Brooklyn later today, so I’m going to wear what I always wear when I go to Brooklyn– my Gap shirt, Gap jeans, Express cardigan, Nine West boots, and a pin that says “I don’t belong here.”
All posts by Emily
Emails From My Brothers, #11: Nine Millimeters, Maybe.
(Part of the Emails From My Brothers series)
Jeremy wrote us this email in 2013, while living at home with my parents. My mother said something in a social setting that made Jeremy uncomfortable (I’m not posting what she said– not because it’s that bad, but because it involves other people and isn’t the funny part of the email anyway).
More #thedress Epiphanies
I knew it– this whole time, the Smurfs were nothing but white KKK members.
Seriously guys, my whole world is falling apart here.
#thatfuckingdress
Anyone who sees blue/black is no longer my friend.
I can’t have that kind of anxiety in my life.
In fact, I’m thinking of adding this to the “what I’m looking for” section of my dating profile, which currently has NOTHING in it. So basically I’m fine with your commitment issues, heroine addiction, seixism, and tendency to store bodies in your basement, but if you see blue/black I just can’t.
#thedress #whatishappeningtotheworld
Apparently I Owe All Men An Apology
Because, as my male friend just informed me, my post Well, Yeah, Kid- Every Girl Loves a Blowjob was extremely misleading and disappointing.
So I’m sorry to all the men who read the title of that post and felt hopeful, for a brief second, that the world was exactly the opposite of everything they’ve known and experienced their entire lives.
It’s not.
There’s a reason your wife stopped doing that once you married her.
Always Be Honest With Your Dating App, Part 8
I’m Not Sure If I Should Tell You This
Today, while taking a math test, a kid (who is Japanese) leans in close to my co teacher and whispers…
Kid: “I’m not sure if I should tell you this.”
Co-teacher: “What?”
Kid: “I realized something.”
Kid: “I realized something.”
Co-teacher: “Ok…”
Kid: “Japanese people learn things better and faster than American people.”
Co-teacher: “Well, I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say.”
Also, you are absolutely correct.
Then he aced his math test.
My Married Mom Friends Are Adorable But Useless
Last night at dinner with one of my dearest friends (who is a married, mom-of-two-kids) I asked for her opinion on the below text, as I feel like I’ve completely lost perspective and can no longer tell when a guy is being genuine or a douche.
Her takeaway: “Who is Drake? And what’s yolo?”
He TOTALLY Gets Me
That moment on a first date when you think you’re totally connecting with him…
Him: “I can’t get any work or writing done in my apartment.”
Me: “Same here! Totally. I can’t concentrate at all in my apartment.”
Him: “Exactly. It’s impossible.”
Me (certain we are on the exact same wavelength): “Right? Because I’ll just look up and see something and be like ‘Oh, I need to clean that.’ Or ‘Yikes, I should mail that bill’ Or ‘Why do I have nothing in my fridge?'”
Him: “Oh. I don’t do THAT. I just get distracted by more fun or interesting things to do.”
Me: “Oh.”
Him: “That’s some serious masochistic behavior.”
Me: “Is it?”
Him: “Yeah. You’re really beating yourself up.”
Me: “Alright, it’s not that bad.”
Him: “It sounds like you have an anxiety disorder.”
He hasn’t called.
Well, Yeah, Kid– Every Girl Loves a Blowjob
Kid: “Someone wrote ‘blowjob’ on a clipboard in school today.”
Me (deer in headlights): “What?! Oh my…”
Kid: “My teacher was SO mad.”
Me: “I’ll bet she was. Did she find out who did it?”
Kid: “No. So she just yelled at the whole class.”
Me: “Yikes…what did she say?” (I had to know)
Kid: “She was like ‘clipboards are for school work, not for writing about your day at the hair salon!'”
Me: “Umm…what?”
Kid: “Like you can write about Colonial America or fractions but not about your blowjob at the hair salon!”
Me (slowly getting it): “Right…yes…when you get your hair BLOWN OUT at the hair salon…of course…”
Kid: “Yeah.”
(long pause, starts to take out her homework)
Kid: “My mom LOVES getting blowjobs.”
