All posts by Emily

Kids Are Literal

After reading the fable “Why the Bear Has a Short Tail,” a story about a bear who constantly bragged about his long, beautiful tail and then ended up losing it…

Me: “So what’s the lesson in this story?”
Kid: “Do not brag about your tail, or an otter will trick you and your tail will end up freezing off in a giant ice pond.”
Me: “Ok, but I mean the BROADER lesson.”
Kid: “What do you mean, broader?”
Me: “Like a lesson that a human could apply to his or her life.”
Kid (thinks for a second): “If you’re a human, and you have a tail, do not brag about your tail, or an otter will trick you and your tail will end up freezing off in a giant ice pond.”

(Sits back, crosses arms, completely satisfied with self)

A Bad Sign

I know I’m in a winter funk when half the emojis in my “recently used” section are weapons.

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“But Emily, thumbtacks are hardly a weapon! They’re a nifty teacher tool!” Not when you place them next to these wide-eyed peepers 👀.

“Ok, but a bathtub? Looks relaxing!” Yeah, until I drop in this guy 🔌

“And the running emoji? Looks like someone’s still getting her workouts in!” Nope. Just trying to outrun the high speed locomotive coming right at me. 🚊

Don’t be so naive, guys.

Emails From My Brothers #10: Please Don’t Elaborate on Said Canoodle

The following sibling email exchange took place in 2006. Steph and I were living in an apartment together in NYC– she was in law school, I was in graduate school. Jeremy was a senior at Penn. Zack was a freshman at Wisconsin. The whole chain was started as an attempt to improve communication skills in our family. It failed.

But what did happen is that Steph contributed one solid, ridiculous email that made the rest of us genuinely laugh out loud.

To this day, it has never happened again.

I already posted that email (here), most of which she forced me to redact. So it’s not included below. The rest of the emails in the chain are, including Steph’s only other contribution (at the very end), which is much more in line with her character.

The emails themselves are not all that hilarious, but as a chain they create a pretty clear picture of the family dynamic, with some classic throw-back references.

**Note: any blurred-out content has been done so to protect the innocent– most importantly those who made the regretful decision to canoodle with Jeremy.

email 1

email 2

email 3

email_4 finalemail 5

email 6email 9email 10Email 11email 12

email 13

I Don’t Know How To Help You With That

While walking the class down the stairs for dismissal, I hear a kid (who I assumed was a boy, as boys and girls at this age sound exactly the same) scream from a flight below me: 
 
Kid: “Miss Emily!!! Help! My balls are stuck to my instrument!” 

Words cannot express the amount of relief I felt when I saw what the kid actually needed help with.

The New Racially-Inclusive Emojis Were Designed By An Oompa Loompa

FINALLY, new emojis are being released to include more races/ethnicities, which is great news because it just KILLS me that I can’t currently send a Mexican Santa. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT SANTA IS MEXICAN.

However, while I am thrilled that emojis are now representative of more races, when I saw a sneak peek of these new characters, I became slightly concerned…emoji 2