Me: “Do you know the name of the bird in the picture?”
Kid: “No.”
Me: “Ok, let’s try chunking the word to make it easier to sound out. You’ll see that when you break up the word, it isn’t so big and scary. It’s all smaller words you can figure out and then blend together.” (covering up end of word) “Try saying this first part alone.”
Kid (concentrating very hard): “C-O-CK…C-ooooock…C-OCK!! COCK! COCK!!!”
Me: “That’s right! Cock!”
And that’s when her dad walked in.
Quick update on this lady, who, as you will recall, inquired about a reading tutor for her 1-year-old…
We have a phone appointment this afternoon to discuss what it is, exactly, she means by “reading.” If it is a sane notion (aka “I’d like my baby to be read to, and perhaps exposed to the alphabet song”), then I might just consider taking the job. No one needs to tell her that these are tasks she– or an iPhone app– can handle for free.
She also mentioned in our email exchange that she is pregnant, so I expect to be asked about options for in-utero tutoring.
Stay tuned.
Just received this email from a potential client:
Dear Potential Client,
Absolutely!
My philosophy is that any baby can learn to read, as long as he/she is a wizard or a genie.
Let me know if that is the case here, and we can discuss pricing.
— Emily
Kid: “My parents are not voting for Trump. They think he’s a dick…”
Me: “Woah woah woah! Ok, I can’t let you use language like that with me, even if your parents let you.”
Kid (shrugging): “Ok. It’s really not a big deal. It’s not even a bad word.”
Me (having a sudden realization): “Ohhhh, I cut you off. You were going to say dictator!”
Kid: <laughs, returns to his math worksheet>
(20 seconds later)
Kid: “No. I was just saying ‘dick.'”
Oh.
(continuation of I’m Sorry, Kids )
“Oh my god, EYEBALLS!!! COOL!!!”
— every trick-or-treater. Because lucky for me, kids are dumb.
Kid: “Do you like my Bernie Sanders costume?!”
Me: “Oh my goodness I love love LOVE it! And you know what my favorite part about it is? That it is NOT Donald Trump!”
“Thanks a lot.” — Kid’s brother, who I did not see standing there, dressed as Trump.
“WHAT?! This is bullshit!!”
— Kid, whose mom forgot to inform him that despite it being Halloween, he still has a tutoring session.
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
And thus marks the first and last time I attempt to joke with Ebola Mom.
A mom and her small child get into the elevator with me…
Me (to child): “Ooooh! And what are YOU dressed up as for Halloween? Whatever it is, you look awesome!”
Child: <blank, confused stare>
Mom: “Oh she has no idea it’s Halloween. We don’t celebrate it. This is just what she decided to wear today.”
Oh.
Well then she looks ABSURD.
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