One of my good friends lives in my building so Eric and I invited her to come by for dinner tonight, but she has plans to go out.
Eric: “I don’t understand. Plans? Does she know it’s snowing?”
Atta boy.
Math Guy
Really Horrible Nightmare
Eric: “What happened last night? You woke up SCREAMING in the middle of the night, it was crazy.”
Emily: “I know, sorry. I was having this really horrible nightmare.”
Eric: “What happened?”
Emily: “I was in a classroom trying to get everyone to be quiet and no one was listening, and no matter what I did, the kids kept misbehaving, and totally ignoring me like I didn’t even exist, so finally I mustered all my strength and just yelled as loud as I could.”
So basically my “really horrible nightmare” was my regular life every day for 9 years.
Kid (after her brother ran away from her): “He always does that when I try to give him a hug.”
Me: “My brothers used to do that too when I tried to hug them!” (False. Never tried to hug them).
Kid: “You have brothers? How old are they?”
Me: “Well, they’re younger than me, so…”
Kid: “SIXTY-TWO?!”
“There are lots of leftovers in the fridge from the dinner I made tonight. And I just made you a ton of tuna fish salad.”
— Eric, worried that when he leaves for his 3-day business trip tomorrow and I’m left to feed myself, I will die.
Get Yourself There
Eric and I agreed to see a movie later, which is more action than I’ve taken in days. I am on the couch in a bathrobe, waiting until the exact last minute I have to move. Eric, despite having done no less than 5 different activities today, is now once again restless.
Eric: “I’m going to go over to Banana Republic before the movie.”
Me: “Ok.”
Eric: “Do you want to come?”
Me: “No.”
Eric: “Should I get the tickets beforehand?”
Me: “Yes.”
Eric: “And snacks?”
Me: “Yes.”
Eric: “Ok, I’ll go do all those things.”
Me: “Ok.”
Eric: “And YOU, at some point, just, you know. Put on some pants.”
Me: “Ok.”
Eric: “And get yourself there.”
Me: “Ok.”
Eric: “While I do literally everything else.”
(2 minutes later)
Me: “Wait, what time is the movie?”
He’s gone.
Jeremy isn’t around much
Driving back from sibling vacation in the North Fork…
Jeremy (to Eric): “Wait. Where are you from again? Long Island? Or wait, no– Philly?”
Eric: “Yeah, Philly.”
Jeremy: “Right right I knew it was Philly.”
He’s from Chappaqua.
No, I’m sorry store credit card machine, I cannot save a child with a donation to UNICEF this holiday, as I just gave all my life-saving money to the 6 porters in my building who I did not know existed until I received the building’s staff holiday card.
Relatedly, what is a porter?
Ebola Mom, Part 60
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
She got so close to being normal and then she blew it.
…and “Happy Chanukah?” No? Too much effort? K cool.
I’ll take the “I apologize” Christmas miracle and run with it.
Eric: “Did I gain weight?”
Me: “No. Did I gain weight? Wait, is that why you asked– because you think I gained weight?”
Eric: “Is that actually how your mind works?”
Me (laughing): “No, I was kidding.”
Yes.
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