“So you can make it stop being cold, right?”
“No.”
“But you can get rid of Daylight Savings, maybe?”
“No.”
“So basically, you’re like Al Roker now.”
“Not at all.”
Apparently I don’t quite understand Eric’s new job at The Weather Company.
Optimism***
Well, the good news, Society, is that we already filled our “Dumb, Destructive Shit That We Are 100% Responsible For” quota for this century with the election of Donald Trump, so in the coming 84 New Years, there’s literally no where else to go but up* from here.**
So happy holidays!
*In terms of our own bad decisions.
**World is still fucked. We just have less say in it now.
***Realizing this isn’t optimistic at all. I should change title of this post.****
****Nah, fuck it. Fuck everything.
Perfect.
Me, every single day: “There is way too much crap in this apartment, I can’t handle it.”
Eric, today: “My package is here!”
Only Your Best Friend
The kind of convo you’d only have with your best friend….
Best friend: “Your ring! Oh my god! Give me your hand right now (grabs my hand)– let me look closer. How many carats is that?!”
Me: “I don’t know…”
Best friend: “You don’t KNOW?! Oh, honey, you better find out. Who doesn’t know how many carats their ring is?!”
Me: “I don’t know…it’s his grandmother’s diamond, I’m not even sure he knows…”
Best friend: “Oh he KNOWS. Trust me. You go home tonight and you ask him.”
Me: “I’m not really concerned with that kind of stuff…”
Best friend: “Well, you’re wearing the ring so GET concerned, honey.”
Only this wasn’t my best friend. This was a random lady who lives in my building. Who I met ONCE.
This is why I don’t talk to people.
She Has the Utmost Confidence In Me
Me: “So, my building only allows dogs if it’s a medical necessity, and ’emotional support’ is considered a medical reason. Eric and I were thinking it might be a good idea for me to have a puppy around, so if you were to write a–”
Therapist: “Nope.”
Trying Really Hard
Me: “So, I’m already having a really hard time this winter. I think I’m mildly depressed. I might need to up my meds. And I know what you’re going to say– that I don’t look depressed. That I look energetic and healthy. But don’t be fooled. That’s just because I’m trying REALLY HARD not to look depressed.”
Therapist: “No, I actually think you do look depressed.”
Me: “Oh.”
Therapist: “You don’t look well. For you.”
Me: “I see.”
Therapist: “You look tired.”
Me: “Uh huh.”
Therapist: “Your eyes look a bit sunken in.”
Me: “So the makeup’s not working…”
Therapist: “There’s a grayness to you.”
Me: “Yikes.”
Therapist: “And you’re slouching.”
Me: “I think that’s just a thing I do…”
Therapist: “And is that ranch dressing on your shirt?”
Me: “Ok enough.”
So much for trying hard.
There Has to be a Better Solution
“You know what I’ve found really helps? Getting dressed in the morning.”
— fellow work-from-homer, on how to combat winter blues.
People I Have it More Together Than
Because sometimes, on the first day of winter, you need a list.
- Rob Kardashian
- I took a 10 minute pause here at #2 and stared blankly at the screen because I literally couldn’t think of anyone else. So I got up, retied my bathrobe, stretched what I’m pretty sure is the beginning of a weird-sleeping-position-induced torn rotator cuff, and took a brief walk from the living room to the other side of the living room (estimated distance 5 feet). I recognize this probably invalidates the entire concept of my list, but I’m sorry my work life is weirder than yours.
The dog on the 29th floor who shits in the stairwell(realized this list should be humans)All characters on Shameless(realized this list should be real humans)Michael Jackson(realized this list should be real humans who are still alive and who were not child molesters)Bill Cosby(realized having it more together than a rapist isn’t great)Paula Dean(same as above, swap rapist for racist. Also I think she’s pulled it together now, at least publicly. No? Ugh I don’t know, I haven’t thought about her in years, and I’m sure neither have you. I have no idea how she ended up on this list. You can see how desperate I’m getting.)My night doorman who’s always asleep(No, you know what? Good for him.)The dirty cat who lives in the corner store(I changed my mind about the “has to be a human” rule, then doubted my decision and changed my mind back again, because THAT’S WHAT LIVING IN MY HEAD IS LIKE. Also, even if I DID include non-humans, I’m not sure that cat could even make the list because, honestly, he does always look warm.)- I give up.
This exercise really backfired.
No One’s Noticed
“Wait– you DID? When!?”
— Parent of a student I had last year (whose kid still attends the school), when I ran into her on the street and, after she asked me how I like my class this year, I told her I had left the school.
So you can see I made an impact.
“MotherFUCKERS.”
— Alexander Hamilton
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