Sitting down to tutor…
Me: “Sorry we have to do this on such a nice weekend day!”
Kid: “Oh, I don’t mind! I like when you come to tutor me on weekends.”
Me: “Really?”
Kid: “Yeah! I love getting the extra practice! I’m actually kind of sad the test will be over soon.”
Me: “Aww, well that’s a fabulous attitude to have!”
There’s something very wrong with you.
Possibly too harsh a response but I am in NO mood this week, Brian.
Weirdly the conversation ended there.
Bouncing my nephew on my knee, to the tune of “La Cucaracha”
“You need a cousin!
You need a cousin!
Otherwise you’ll be so very spoiled.
But that won’t happen soon
No that won’t happen soon
Unless your Auntie Em makes a big oops!”
My sister and brother-in-law laughed.
My parents, sitting beside me, did not.
It’s so weird how appreciation for accidental pregnancy jokes skips a generation.
Kid: “I have a question for you, since you’re a blonde.”
Me (terrified about where this is going): “Ok…”
Kid: “Do people look at you more because you’re a blonde?”
Me: “Not that I have noticed, no. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Well, my friend is a blonde, and she says people look at her more because of it.”
Me: “Oh…well…that might be her perception. But that doesn’t make it a fact.”
Kid (taking a deep breath, turning bright red): “I’m talking specifically about boys. Like, BOYS look at her more.”
Me (smiling, but secretly wishing I still taught Kindergarten): “Yeah, kiddo. I had a feeling that’s what you meant.”
Kid: “So is it true? Do boys like blondes better? Because she said that’s something that like EVERYONE knows.”
Me: “Look, there are lots of silly things said about hair color, and many other physical features for that matter, but those are just generalizations and stereotypes. The truth is that everyone has different tastes, and different qualities, both physically and personality-wise, that they find attractive. It completely varies from person to person, and you should just focus on being proud of your own unique and wonderful traits, because I promise you that plenty of people– BOYS included– are going to notice them.”
Kid: “Ok, that makes me feel better.”
Yeah, well, it shouldn’t. I’m a dumb blonde. What the fuck do I know?
That moment when you have to tell an asian kid to stop making fun of other asian kids for being asian.
They didn’t cover this one in graduate school.
Kid: “How old are you? You look late 20s.”
Me: “You’re my new favorite person!”
Kid: “How bout Miss [coteacher]? She looks younger than you.”
I hate you.
That moment when you’re proctoring a test in someone else’s classroom and you see a box that says “perishable, open upon arrival” and you get excited thinking it might be cookies, so you take a peek inside.
It’s a container of live crickets.
Guys, what do YOU do when YOUR giant yellow Judy clock won’t fit inside your work bag?
What’s that? You don’t own a giant yellow Judy clock?
You actually worked really hard throughout your schooling and personal life so that “giant yellow Judy clock” would never be part of your professional vocabulary?
Cool.
Good for you.
But seriously what the fuck do I do about this clock.
Kid (super excited): “My friend and I wrote a whole thesis about why and how human blood can be used to power cars. Because blood has iron. We have a diagram and everything, and explain all the science behind it. We’ve been working on it for months. It’s like 20 pages long. Do you want to read it?”
Me: “DO I?!?”
No. I do not.
I’d actually rather you stab me repeatedly and use my blood to power said car.
If that’s an option.
Kid: “My mom is definitely going to vote for Hillary Clinton. And my Dad said that you are definitely going to vote for her too.”
Me: “Why– because I’m a woman?”
Kid: “No. Because you’re poor.”
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