Nora, every second I’m alone with her:
Nora, every time I just want silence:
Nora, the second someone asks me if she’s talking yet and I say “Yes! She babbles all day and says a bunch of real words! Nora, show them how much you talk!”:
“Come on Nora, you talk to Mom all day at home! You never stop! Show them how you say “hi!” or “bye!” or “cheese!””
“Ok Nora, please say something, because now you’re just making Mom look like an asshole.”
Completing sentences with words from a word bank. One of the words is “friend.”
Me: “It’s always nice to make a new….”
Kid: <blank stare>
Me: “Starts with an ‘f’…”
Kid: “FUCK.”
He’s not wrong.
My sister: “It’s great having a nanny from Colombia because now Tyler is learning to speak Spanish.”
Me: “Yeah I mean that’s cool and all but anyone can learn Spanish– they teach that in school. Thanks to my nanny Nora will learn to speak…
(googles language of Trinidad)
Oh.
Goddamnit.
I gave a speech at a friend’s rehearsal dinner last weekend and someone came up to me after and said, “You are an extremely eloquent speaker.” And it got me thinking, you know what, yeah, person I don’t know at all but who is now my new best friend, when it comes to verbal communication, I am extremely eloquent!
….as long as I have an entire 16-size-font, double spaced script in front of me (rehearsed for a minimum of three weeks and approved by no less than five trusted individuals), have at least one glass of wine but no more than three in my system, I am not interrupted once, it’s neither too hot nor too cold in the room, there are zero weird noises, no one looks at me funny, I’m not hungry, the lighting is friendly, I am feeling good about my outfit, my acne is under control, I’m not PMSing, and I remembered to take my Prozac.
Otherwise when I talk it’s this:
Kid: “My parents are not voting for Trump. They think he’s a dick…”
Me: “Woah woah woah! Ok, I can’t let you use language like that with me, even if your parents let you.”
Kid (shrugging): “Ok. It’s really not a big deal. It’s not even a bad word.”
Me (having a sudden realization): “Ohhhh, I cut you off. You were going to say dictator!”
Kid: <laughs, returns to his math worksheet>
(20 seconds later)
Kid: “No. I was just saying ‘dick.'”
Oh.
(related to The Computer Prompt, With Tea )
Me: “Since you’re standing next to it, can you please add ‘razor’ to my list of things to pack for this weekend?”
Eric: “Sure.”
I don’t understand.
Me: (explaining a math problem)
Kid: “Ooooh, so I get it! It’s like the computer prompt, with tea.”
Me: “I’m sorry….what?”
Kid: “You know. Like…the computer prompt WITH TEA.”
Me: “Yeah I don’t understand what’s happening. Can you explain?”
Kid: “You don’t know about the computer prompt with tea? My teacher taught me! Like, you know…if 2 + 3= 5, then 3 + 2 = 5, because it’s the computer prompt…with tea.”
Me: “Oh my gosh– the COMMUTATIVE PROPERTY?!”
Kid: “Yeah that’s what I said. COMPUTER….PROMPT…..WITH…..TEA!”
Me: “You’re actually saying something completely different, but you have the concept so I don’t even care.”
Kid: “It sounds exactly the same to me!”
Me: “Alright well….agree to disagree?”
Kid: “Ok.”
Me: “We will get back to this though. I’m not going to let you become an adult who mispronounces this.”
Kid: “What does ‘mispropounces’ mean?”
Me: “Forget it. Back to numbers. Language is obviously not working out for us today.”
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