Tag Archives: lifestyle

I Don’t Know How to Do the Thing You’re Saying

Relationships, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Partly inspired by a scale that told him he gained 9 pounds in the past week, and partly due to my constant complaints of feeling fat, Eric convinced me to try a “Paleo Restart” 30-day program with him.

Even though he discovered this morning that the scale was wrong (um, obviously. 9 pounds in one week? #science), and despite the fact that I didn’t actually want to DO anything about feeling fat, I just wanted him to respond “That’s crazy, you’re not fat! It’s fine to eat that 9th Hershey Nugget!” (um, obviously. #science) he’s still super into the program. Plus, we already paid the $35 for it. So fine.

I went to sleep last night totally on board to start this weekend, but then this morning had a horrifying realization.

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Oh, yeah. Why didn’t I think of that?

PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE EGG SALAD, MUCH LESS MAKE THE FUCKING MAYO FOR EGG SALAD.

No.

I’m out.

 

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Sassy Pedicurist: An Investigation

Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , , , , , ,

(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)

Many of you have expressed your sadness over the absence of Sassy Pedicurist. I know. Thanks to what I can only assume is Stockholm Syndrome, I miss that abusive, cranky old bitch too. So today I went to my old nail salon to inquire about her absence.

Me (to two manicurists sitting in the front): “Hi there! So I noticed that my regular manicurist has been gone for a while. I’m just wondering, is she coming back? Did she switch salons?”

Manicurist 1: “Which lady you talk about?”

Me: “Um…well, she’s older. I mean, not old. But like, older than you guys. I’m assuming. And, you know, she’s…Asian. So…”

(silence)

Me: “I’m not great at describing people.”

(silence)

Me: “Anyway, I’m just wondering where she went, because I really liked her. She did my nails for years.”

Manicurist 2: “What is her name?”

(Long pause)

Me: “I don’t know.”

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So the good news is that I managed to eventually uncover that Sassy has been out of town, but will be back at the nail salon in about a month.

The bad news is that I can never go back there.

 

I’m Not

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , , , ,

I tried a new nail salon that just opened up on my block, so the lovely owner gave me the hard sell (in slightly broken English)….

Owner: “We give you 20% off today. And you tell your friends about us? I see you live in neighborhood!”

Me: “I do! But how can you tell?”

Owner: “You carry the Starbuck drink and you wear the clothes for going to gym.”

Me: “Ha! You’re right! I am heading to the gym!”

I’m not. These are my regular clothes.

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In Honor of National Women’s Day, A Woman Winning

Relationships, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

Eric got us both FitBits and immediately challenged me to a “who takes more steps in a week” contest. Which, to be honest, is just insane, as 1) I run marathons and 2) I’m on my feet with children all day.

But he INSISTED he’d still out-step me, which made no logical sense, unless the theory “Boys are good at all the things!!!” makes sense to you. (No, he didn’t say that. But it was there on his smug face). So I have spent the entire week ensuring that I will beat him– running unnecessary runs, finishing every errand that’s been on my my to-do list for months, mindlessly walking in circles in my kitchen, pacing for 25 minutes in my therapist’s waiting room (which didn’t at all make the other patients anxious, I’m sure of it. They would have been clutching that Xanax regardless.)

But it’s all been worth it because I have been kicking his ass, and have so thoroughly enjoyed rubbing it in his face all week.

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Ok, well. This isn’t fun anymore.

I quit.