Me: “And what would you say is your greatest area of need?”
Kid: “Vocabulary.”
Me: “And your greatest strength?”
Kid: “Like, I guess…not vocabulary?”
Tag Archives: teaching
Well Played
I had a kid fill out a math assessment for homework. There was some new content in it, so I told her if she really didn’t know how to answer a question, just write “no idea” underneath, and I’d help her in the next session.
So in the next session, I taught her the strategy she needed to use to answer the “no idea” question. Once she had a firm grip on the strategy, I said, with optimistic enthusiasm, “Ok, so let’s go back to that question where you wrote ‘no idea’ and see if we can change that answer!”
So she changed it.
(but then….)
Because come on that’s fucking hilarious.
Ebola Mom, Part 78
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Ummm…about what? Fun? Culture? The world? LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR BATSHIT GRIP?!
The Right Thing To Say
Parent (to me): “So on my kid’s middle school application, I have to explain her multiple absences last year, what do you think I should put as the reason?”
Me: “Well. What WAS the reason?”
Parent: “My ex-husband is a useless dickbag and couldn’t get her to school in the morning while I worked.”
Me: “Um….’family circumstances?'”
Parent: “Oooooh, that’s GOOD! You know all the right things to say.”
Oh to be clear I would 100% write the dickbag thing. In all caps, 30-point font, and with these emoji 
It just seems you want to go in a different direction.
Kid: “Oh my gosh, your hair looks awesome! It’s so great how it’s SO short!”
Me: “Aw thanks!”
Kid: “Because, you know….your face is SO long.”
Nanny of the Year
Third graders are the best. Just barely on the cusp of having a clue.
Kid (out of NOWHERE): “Donald Trump is going to die, you know.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “Because he’s getting us into a war, and then he’s going to go fight in the war and he’ll die on the battlefield.”
Me: 
Kid: “What’s so funny?”
Me: “The idea of Trump going onto a battlefield and actually being willing to fight in a war he started. Who told you this anyway?”
Kid: “My nanny.”
Me: “Ah.”
Kid: “She’s Mexican.”
Me: “I see.”
(long silence)
Kid: “She’s REALLY excited for him to die.”
Job Hazards
Our entire apartment is just filled with post-its of me trying to figure out 4th grade math.
. 
Upper East Side Standards
Before my first session with a new client…
Parent (to her kid): “I want you to listen to everything Miss Emily says, because she went to Penn, and if you listen to her, one day you can go to a school like that, too. Wouldn’t that be so great?”
Kid: (blank stare)
BECAUSE HE’S THREE.
This Isn’t Even Embarrassing It’s Just My Life
As I’m leaving an hour-long tutoring session…
Kid (to her mom): “Mom, you always say I have to take those off (points to nape of my neck) but Miss Emily didn’t!!”
Me (confused): “Wait, what?”
Parent: “Something tells me Miss Emily did not know it was there. And I was going to try to let her leave without embarrassing her, but I guess that’s not happening now.” (opens drawer, grabs scissors, cuts this off my sweater and hands it to me):
Emily's Posts 