Tag Archives: therapist

My Students Will Know I Have a Mental Illness

The other day some teachers in my school were discussing how the 5th graders have been very into googling their teachers to see what kind of dirt they can dig up.

I’m sure this trend will catch on with the 4th graders soon enough, so just to prepare myself for what my students might find, I googled my name. The very first thing to pop up (besides my LinkedIn page) was an essay my father wrote about why he supports mental health organization Active Minds.

It goes into detail about my battle with Depression and Anxiety, focusing specifically on a time when I was deeply, deeply depressed, to the point where I had to quit my job and move home. It talks about how I couldn’t function. How my brain essentially lost the ability to comprehend the simplest of information. How I was terrified all the time, and couldn’t stop crying. How I was completely dependent on those around me. How I took, and continue to take, medication for mental illness. How I saw, and continue to see, a psychiatrist.

And you know what? Good.

Sure, I could worry about the general stigma and misunderstanding. I could worry about judgement from the students’ parents. I could worry that the children, families, or administration would look at or treat me differently.

But I don’t. At all. The old me would have.

Here’s how I see it now:

Your teacher was really sick and she got better, kids. And she works extremely hard to stay better, even though some days can be pretty tough. But she keeps going. And she has wonderful, strong relationships with caring, amazing people who are there to support her through the darkness and celebrate with her in the light. She stumbles, and sometimes it takes weeks or months to get back up. But she does. And she’s stronger and wiser for it.

I think that’s a pretty great lesson for a 10 year old.

Don’t you?

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Now let’s just hope to god they never find my blog. IMG_6871

Therapy

Therapist: “How are the sensory issues this week?”

Me: “I did what you told me and got new bras– and they definitely fit WAY better! It made me realize how old and stretched out my other ones were. But I still can’t WAIT to take them off.”

Therapist: “Ok, well then you probably do have a bit of a natural sensitivity to it, regardless of the fit.”

Me: “So I got new bras for nothing?”

Therapist: “Well I wouldn’t say it was for nothing.”

Me: “But the sensory problem isn’t fixed.”

Therapist: “Ok, but…you should still have new bras.”

Me: “Right.”

Therapist: “That fit you.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Therapist: “And that aren’t 10 years old.”

Me: “Ok.”

Therapist: “Just as a general rule, you should replace your undergarments every once in a while.”

OK LADY. BACK OFF.

Therapy 

Me: “Can depression and anxiety cause sensory issues? I just feel like I’m SO sensitive to the feel of certain clothing on my body.”

Therapist: “Sensory issues can definitely be comorbid with anxiety. But give me an example.”

Me: “Like, for instance– bras. I can’t STAND wearing a bra. I feel like I’m always tugging at it and feeling suffocated and honestly, sometimes I just take it off in the middle of the day because I can’t stand it anymore. And I feel like it’s not normal to be THIS sensitive to it, and it must be related to my mental health issues, right? Or a side effect of the Prozac? Or maybe it’s a whole other disorder I didn’t even know I had?”

Therapist: “When was the last time you bought a bra?”

Me: “Ummm…” <thinking hard. A good 30 seconds pass>

Therapist: “Yeah. Your bras don’t fit.”

Me: “You think?”

Therapist: “Yes. Go buy new bras.”

Me: “Oh. Ok.”

Oh I Hadn’t Thought of That

I started my therapy session by listing a few concerns…

Me: “My bladder is EXTREMELY overactive lately. Like I have to pee every 5 minutes and it’s really interfering with my life. I know for sure I don’t have a UTI. I’ve also noticed that I’ve been bruising really easily. So I went to the doctor and he did an ultrasound on my kidneys, liver, bladder, and uterus…but so far everything looks fine. I’m still waiting for the blood test results. But do you have any theories?”

Therapist: “It sounds like you’re drinking a lot of water. And bumping into things.”

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Fat

It had been a while since I’d seen my therapist, so I had a lot to catch her up on. I told her about my upcoming family vacation in the Outer Banks, and that I was excited because I had invited Eric to come along. I also told her about my weekend in the North Fork babysitting my nephew, and how funny it was to see him next to slightly older babies who were crawling and walking, as he has yet to do anything but sit and occasionally roll over (one way only). I said it would be interesting to see if he was able to do anything new by the time we go to the Outer Banks mid-August. She smiled politely through all my babbling, and then chimed in….

Therapist: “Well that’ll be really nice to have him at the beach. He should be mobile by then.”
Me: (skeptical) “Eh…I doubt it. He’s pretty fat.”
Therapist: “Oh, um. Oh…I didn’t know…”
Me: “No, you know what I mean. Not in like a bad way. He’s just a total chunkster. I call him my little porkpie.”
Therapist: “Oh…that’s…oh.”
Me: “No, like, endearingly. He’s just a tub-a-lub. I just can’t imagine him walking any time soon. Like how is he supposed to get those lumpy doughboy thighs off the ground?”
Therapist: “Oh…but…is he able to do his physical therapy?”

It was at this point that I realized she was referring to Eric, who recently had ACL surgery. NOT my chubby 8-month-old nephew.

Me: “Oh my god…wait…you think I’m sitting here telling you Eric is a fat chunk who won’t walk any time soon?!”
Therapist: “Oh! You’re talking about the baby!”
Me: “Yes! Eric is not too fat to walk!”
Therapist: “Yeah you never mentioned him being fat…I thought maybe he gained some weight after surgery…”
Me: “I do not call Eric ‘my little porkpie!'”
Therapist (laughing): “Ok, good…”

It was at this point that I realized my therapist, who is responsible for my mental sanity, thinks I’m a terrible, twisted human being.

Eh. I’m ok with that.

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Why IS this? 

Me: “I’ve been REALLY anxious lately.”

Therapist: “Ok, take a deep breath.”

Me: <Do so. Instantly feel calmer.>

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Me: “I’ve been REALLY anxious lately.”

Friend/peer who also gets anxiety: “Ok, take a deep breath.”

Me: <Do so. Instantly feel calmer.>

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Me: “I’ve been REALLY anxious lately.”

Anyone besides the above: “Ok, take a deep breath.”

Me: “DON’T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”