Just received this email from a potential client:
Dear Potential Client,
Absolutely!
My philosophy is that any baby can learn to read, as long as he/she is a wizard or a genie.
Let me know if that is the case here, and we can discuss pricing.
— Emily
“WHAT?! This is bullshit!!”
— Kid, whose mom forgot to inform him that despite it being Halloween, he still has a tutoring session.
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
And thus marks the first and last time I attempt to joke with Ebola Mom.
“Thank you so much for teaching me today, Miss Emily.”
— tutoring client, Age 2. Yes, 2.
Me (to the mom): “Your toddler is incredibly well-behaved and polite. Teach me your parenting secret.”
Mom: “We just really reinforce good manners in this house. We emphasize respect and appreciation for others.”
Me: “And that works?! Just like that? Incredible.”
Mom: “Just like that. I find that if you model positive behavior, your children will follow.”
Me: “That was always my motto in the classroom but somehow it didn’t go as smoothly for me!”
Mom: “Trust me, the secret is consistency. And sometimes you just get lucky with a naturally sweet-natured, respectful kid.”
Then, the second I left and closed the door–
“MOMMMMM!!!! I SAID THANK YOU TO MISS EMILY NOW GIVE ME AN OREO!!!!! I SAID NOWWWWWWWW!!!”
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Friend: “So is it weird not having co-workers now that you are out of the classroom and tutoring full time?”
Me: “No, why?”
Friend: “Well, you know…just like…not having people to talk to all day. You don’t feel like you’re going crazy?”
Me: “No, not at all!”
Friend: “Oh ok, well that’s great! I could just see how it might be a little isolating and you might start getting weird.”
Me (laughing): “I know what you mean but honestly that’s not what’s happening at all!”
*Friend = my reflection in the mirror.
But yeah I’m doing great.
I have a constantly-updated note in my phone that lists the bathroom codes of every Starbucks in the neighborhood where I live and tutor.
And yes, I’m blurring them out because I’m genuinely nervous that if everyone knows and abuses them, Starbucks will change the codes and I’ll be back at square 1.
THIS IS THE WAY I LIVE MY LIFE.
Kid: “Who are you voting for?”
Me: “Oh, um. You know what, I’m not entirely sure I should say. I’m not sure what your parents’ views are, and I don’t know if they’d want me to share mine with you.”
Kid: “Oh, my parents HATE Donald Trump.”
Me: (laughing)
Kid: “Yeah. And since those tapes of him came out on the news, now we can’t even say the p-word in my house anymore! He ruined the p-word!”
Me: “Oh! Um, I’m sorry– WHAT?”
Kid: “Yeah even my grandpa can’t say the p-word anymore! And that’s all he ever talks about!”
Me: “Woah woah woah. What do you mean that’s all he ever talks about?”
Kid: “Yeah he always comes over and wants to talk about it and they’re like ‘you can’t say the p-word in this house!'”
Me: <silent, horrified stare>
Kid: “But if I whisper the p-word you won’t tell my parents, right?”
Me: “You know, I don’t think that’s the best ide–”
Kid (whispering): “Politics.”
But you can see why I panicked.
“No, no, no. Good ALWAYS beats evil. EVERY TIME! Don’t you ever read comic books?”
— Kid, age 7, on how he knows Trump will lose the election.
“You’re pretty funny for a girl.”
— Kid, age 9, to me.
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