Doing a marathon fundraiser is a really fun and easy way to figure out who your favorite family members are.
Congratulations, Zack! Your $50 donation to my fundraiser has put you in first place!
The rest of you are tied for second place, as you all donated the same amount.
You know.
Zero dollars.
The Christmas season is officially upon us, which means that countless people, friends and strangers alike, will be wishing me a very merry Christmas. But I’m Jewish. So you know what I’ll be saying in return?
“Thank you.”
Because I’m not a dick.
Last night, 24 hours after the horrific events in Paris, knowing that we all needed a break from the media coverage and sadness, my mom texted to check in on us. Steph was unable to comprehend the sentiment:
So I stepped in to explain:
In other words, Steph, make Mom feel better by telling her we are ok and enjoying ourselves, so she will stop worrying.
I just made a donation to Red Cross in order to support those in the Paris terror attacks. When it comes to supporting France, however, I think any act of solidarity right now is helpful and significant.
And THAT is why I am eating this entire wheel of Brie.
To those people on the internet already using the Paris terror attacks to promote their anti-gun-control agenda by pointing out that this tragedy happened in a country with strict gun laws, may I kindly invite you to stop talking.
No one, in the wake of ANY mass shooting, where innocent lives have been ended by bullets, wants to hear about how much you love your guns. But in the case of this particular mass shooting, it’s not even about the guns.
This one is about terrorism. The horrific, global threat to all of humanity.
No one’s trying to have a gun debate.
Go home.
Some things are so horrifying and devastating, there is simply nothing to say.
My heart is breaking with you, Paris.
Kid, as I’m dropping him and the rest of the class off in the cafeteria: “Miss Emily, it smells like rotting meat in here. And you are 33 years old.”
Walks away.
Me: “I’ll go with ‘Size Matters.’ Because it does.”
Nail lady: <blank stare>
The entirely black cast of Real Housewives of Potomac makes total sense because I definitely remember growing up in Potomac and thinking “Where are all the white Jews?”
The heart wants what it wants.**
**side of waffle fries not pictured.
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