It’s official. iPhones can do everything now.
But before you get all excited, note that they are not actually available yet.
I only know that because I looked into it out of curiosity, not because I was buying it for myself.
Well, not really curiosity. I was looking to buy it, but, again, not for myself.
I was looking to purchase it as a gift for a Christmas Yankee swap that I am attending.
So that I could win it.
If I was cheering for me in the marathon, I would hold up a huge sign that said “EMILY’S POST(er)!!!!!”
Because that would be hilarious.
God I wish I were my friend.
When I pulled up a map and showed Eric the various locations he can cheer for me during the Philly marathon on Sunday, he jokingly sighed and said, “You know, this day is turning out to be much harder for me than it will be for you.”
Then he got up off the couch and went out to pick up some ice.
To put on his face.
Because I kicked him in it.
Whenever someone gives me a compliment, I automatically assume they are drunk.
I know, this doesn’t say much about my self esteem. So I am working on it.
I’m trying to get to a place where, when people say something nice to me, I truly believe they are being genuine. That I am a good person, and people can recognize and point out my positive qualities without being under the influence of a ton of alcohol.
And the fact that they’re always throwing up right after– that’s just a coincidence.
Every time I get a haircut I think about chopping it all off and donating it to Locks Of Love, but it hardly seems like a good deed to give someone Jewish hair.
Today in school, a kid got in trouble for hitting another student. When my co-teacher and I told him that unfortunately, we would now have to inform his mother, he began to cry and begged us not to tell her.
Kid: “PLEASE don’t call my mom! She will punish me and I’ll be grounded!”
Us: “And what exactly happens when you are grounded?”
Kid: “I can’t do anything!”
Us: “Anything?”
Kid: “Yeah! I just have to sit on the couch and watch tv all day!”
So your punishment is the exact life I want to be living.
No wonder you’re a disaster.
Me: “I’m running a marathon in Philadelphia this weekend!”
Kid: “Wow, really? I saw some of the New York marathon from my window, it was awesome!”
Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty amazing, huh? 26.2 miles!”
Kid: “Yeah. That’s what I thought! But my mom says that as long as you do the training right, really anyone can run a marathon.”
Me: “Your mom is a smart lady!”
She can go fuck herself, though.
When I won tickets to last night’s Adele concert at Radio City Music Hall via a congratulatory email, I was certain it had to be fake. I never win ANYTHING. The email said I had 8 hours to respond with a copy of my ID and a signed affidavit. I simply didn’t trust it.
“How do I know this is real? What if it’s ISIS?!” I asked Eric in a panic.
“You’re insane.” He replied. “The email is from Columbia Records. You entered through Adele’s website. It’s real.”
“But…but…how do you know for sure?!”
The email provided a number to call should I have any questions about the contest, so Eric suggested I call it. “But what would I even say to find out if it’s real?!” I said.
Exasperated, he took matters into his own hands and dialed the number himself. It rang once and someone picked up.
Person: “Columbia Records.”
Eric: “Hi, is this real?”
Person: “Yes.”
Eric: “Ok bye.”
Eric (to me): “It’s real.”
(It was real, though).
Kid (frantic, pointing to his penis): “Miss Emily!!!! My private parts are hurting and I DON’T KNOW WHY!” (Hops from left foot to right foot, clutches pants, bends knees).
May I remind you I teach 4th grade. Not kindergarten.
This kid is 10.
I sent him to the nurse.
“Chess is one of those things, like what they say about riding a bike. If you don’t practice, you’ll forget how to do it.”
— the Chess teacher, 100% serious, to our students
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