Category Archives: Kids/Teaching

The Parenting Secret

Kids, Kids/Teaching, , , , , ,

“Thank you so much for teaching me today, Miss Emily.”

— tutoring client, Age 2. Yes, 2.

Me (to the mom): “Your toddler is incredibly well-behaved and polite. Teach me your parenting secret.”
Mom: “We just really reinforce good manners in this house. We emphasize respect and appreciation for others.”
Me: “And that works?! Just like that? Incredible.”
Mom: “Just like that. I find that if you model positive behavior, your children will follow.”
Me: “That was always my motto in the classroom but somehow it didn’t go as smoothly for me!”
Mom: “Trust me, the secret is consistency. And sometimes you just get lucky with a naturally sweet-natured, respectful kid.”

Then, the second I left and closed the door–

“MOMMMMM!!!! I SAID THANK YOU TO MISS EMILY NOW GIVE ME AN OREO!!!!! I SAID NOWWWWWWWW!!!”

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Kids These Days

Kids/Teaching, , , , , , , ,

I hand my tutoring kid a small Halloween treat…

Kid: “Oh, thank you so much! But my mother does not allow me to have candy. Should I return it to you so that another child can enjoy it, or would you like me to donate it to the nearest shelter?”

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I find this 20 times more disturbing than if she had snatched it out of my hand and shoved it down her pie-hole without a thank you.

The P-Word

Kids, Kids/Teaching, Teaching, , , , , ,

Kid: “Who are you voting for?”
Me: “Oh, um. You know what, I’m not entirely sure I should say. I’m not sure what your parents’ views are, and I don’t know if they’d want me to share mine with you.”
Kid: “Oh, my parents HATE Donald Trump.”
Me: (laughing)
Kid: “Yeah. And since those tapes of him came out on the news, now we can’t even say the p-word in my house anymore! He ruined the p-word!”
Me: “Oh! Um, I’m sorry– WHAT?”
Kid: “Yeah even my grandpa can’t say the p-word anymore! And that’s all he ever talks about!”
Me: “Woah woah woah. What do you mean that’s all he ever talks about?”
Kid: “Yeah he always comes over and wants to talk about it and they’re like ‘you can’t say the p-word in this house!'”
Me: <silent, horrified stare>
Kid: “But if I whisper the p-word you won’t tell my parents, right?”
Me: “You know, I don’t think that’s the best ide–”
Kid (whispering): “Politics.”

But you can see why I panicked.

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Dammit.

Kids, Kids/Teaching, , ,

Chatting with parent before tutoring session…

Parent (referring to my switch from classroom teaching to full-time tutoring): “So you must love that you get to be your own boss now, right?”
Me: “Oh, absolutely. That’s one of the best things about my new career!”

(Later, alone with the kid)

Me: “You look a little distracted. Everything ok?”
Kid: “Yeah, I was just thinking– you said to Mom that you love being your own boss, but my mom pays you, so isn’t SHE your boss?”
Me: “Well, sort of, but technically…”
Kid: “And also, she could fire you, like how a boss does.”
Me: “Well yeah but…”
Kid: “And really, you work with a lot of kids, so each kid’s parent is your boss. So instead of having one boss you now have like a MILLION bosses.”
Me: “Ok, let’s get back to the math problem.”
Kid: “Why? Because I’m right?”
Me: “Yes.”

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Brainstorm

Kids, Kids/Teaching, Mental Health, , , , , , , , ,

Teaching a writing lesson…

Me: “Ok, so we’re going to start with something called a ‘brainstorm.’ Have you heard that word before?”
Kid: “Yes! A brainstorm is when you have like a storm in your brain. Like when all your thoughts are bad and they just keep crashing around in your brain and it’s hard to stop them, even when you try to think of good things.”

No.

But you are my spirit animal.

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