That amazing moment when you’re packing for the first wedding that isn’t your own wedding, and you realize it doesn’t matter what the hell you pack, wear, do, or say, because no one gives a fuck about YOU this weekend.
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Category Archives: Random Thoughts/Happenings
Honesty Is the Best Policy
Guy friend (who is single): “Sooo…I know what you’ve been saying to your single girlfriends about me.”
Me: “Ok, fine. I figured it’d get back to you. But look. It’s nothing I wouldn’t say to your face. I absolutely adore you, you know that. I think you’re awesome. But at no point in knowing you have I seen any evidence that you want a real relationship. So yeah, I told my single girlfriends that– that I wouldn’t want to proactively set you up with them. Because I just don’t trust that you WANT a girlfriend. And you know what? I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. And it’s not a bad thing, it’s just the facts based on what–”
Guy friend: “Oh my god, stop talking. I was joking. I haven’t heard anything. ”
Oh.
Hamilton Review
Spectacular.
My only complaint is that Angelica Schuyler was played by a woman of Mexican descent, which, for me, just felt inauthentic.
Everyone knows Angelica was black.
“See?! Look here! I did nothing wrong!”
— Kid at the zoo, pointing to a “DO NOT TOUCH THE ANIMALS” sign, while shoving two bullfrogs in his pocket and high-fiving a lemur.
Transparency does not equal innocence, Donald Trump Jr.
The best part about getting married was that, for one whole week, I had no idea what Donald Trump was up to.
Guess I’m Not Set
Friend: “So how’s the wedding planning going– is everything pretty much set?”
Me: “Yeah, I think so!”
Friend: “That’s great! What are your colors?”
Me: “I’M SUPPOSED TO HAVE COLORS?!?!”
I Just Really Fucking Love John Mulaney
10 minutes later, after no response….
We Understand Each Other
I had my hair trial for the wedding today.
Me: “Before we begin, I think it’s important to stress again that I am a VERY sweaty person, and this MUST be taken into consideration when planning a hairdo.”
Hairstylist: “Don’t worry. I’ve done a lot of Jewish brides.”
No. Just NO.
I am sitting in a large window nook at Starbucks doing work. The nook is meant for sitting– there is another woman here too, working on her laptop. As we’re typing away, a man walks in with a screaming baby. That’s fine– babies scream. You know what’s NOT fine? When he lay the baby down 6 INCHES FROM MY LAP and changed his shit-filled diaper, right next to my Peach Tranquility tea and half-eaten Kind bar.
Then, AFTER he changed the diaper, he took the baby to the bathroom with him so he could wash his hands, leaving the shit-filled wipes sitting on the ledge, right between me and the other woman.
This begs two questions:
- If you ended up taking the baby into the bathroom with you anyway, and therefore clearly knew there was an available bathroom, why didn’t you just change the baby in there?
- WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK?!
This is a public restaurant. WITH FOOD! People are eating and drinking. You are NOT allowed to whip out a mountain of poop in my face. At least not on purpose!
NYC lost 10 points today.
So did parenthood.
Doctor’s Orders!
Me: “Can I drink coffee with the Invisalign in?”
What the dentist said: “No. It will stain them. If you drink liquids with the braces in, they need to be clear liquids.”
What I heard: “Instead of coffee, start your morning with white wine.”
Don’t mind if I do!
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