Kid: “Miss Emily, how come you never wear any makeup?”
I wear makeup every day.
Tag Archives: beauty
How You Know You’re Fat
“Your hands smell like cheese snacks.”
— woman giving me a hand massage at the hair salon.
How Embarrassing for THAT Person
Just ran into my Super outside the compactor room, which is next to the laundry room.
Super: “Emily, you did laundry yesterday, yes?”
Me: “Yes!”
Super: “There were some things left in one of the dryers. I put them on the counter in there, you might want to check if they’re yours.”
Me: “Oh, ok, great! Thank you! They probably ARE mine, that sounds like something I would do.”
I enter the laundry room, and sitting on the counter is a SUPER tiny black lace thong and a pair of ridiculously worn-out cotton underwear that clearly should have been thrown away years ago.
Me (yelling): “Oh my gosh– no, no, no! These are definitely NOT mine!”
Super (laughing): “Oh, ok.”
Me: “I swear! I can be forgetful, but I’d never leave items like THAT lying around!”
Super: “Ok. Somebody else then!”
Me: “How embarrassing for THAT person!”
They are 100% mine.
What is Love?
Manicurist: “THIS color? You sure?”
Me: “Yes.”
Manicurist: “No one choose this color. I never open.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ll bet. But the Broncos are in the super bowl and my boyfriend is a HUGE fan. So I’m supporting him.”
Woman sitting next to me: “That’s so funny, I was going to do the same thing!”
Me: “Really?”
Woman: “Yeah. But then I saw the color and was like ‘Nope. Can’t do it. Too ugly. Wayyyy too ugly.'”
She’s not wrong.
Impurities
Eric: “What is that?!”
Me: “A clay facial mask.”
Eric: “What does it do?”
Me: “It takes out impurities.”
Eric: “Like…your Judaism?”
Not My Season
Eric: “Oh god….what IS that?”
Me: “The reason I had to make you fall in love with me before winter.”
I slathered half a jar of vaseline on my face.
Tip for the Anxious
If you are someone who is prone to anxiety, do yourself a favor and do NOT purchase scarlet red body wash. I promise that if you do, you will look down at the bottom of the shower while soaping yourself and be CERTAIN that you are bleeding from at least one organ. EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME.
It does wake me up, though.
What is Love
(Part of the What is Love series)
Love means being able to cup his face in your hands, look him straight in the eye and tenderly ask him to check if that painful lump you feel on your back is a pimple or a spider bite.
Sassy Pedicurist: M.I.A.
(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)
Many people have been asking me what has happened to Sassy Pedicurist, as we haven’t heard from her in a while.
I’m not quite sure. I have had my nails done many times in the past several months, and she has not been at the salon. She used to be there almost every single time, and now she has virtually disappeared. It’s as though she sensed that I found a man, and now her work here is done.
I’m starting to question if she ever even existed.
Every time I get a haircut I think about chopping it all off and donating it to Locks Of Love, but it hardly seems like a good deed to give someone Jewish hair.
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