Tag Archives: being single

What Straight Guys Do

April 29, 2015Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, City Living, Dating/Single Lifebeing single, dating, gay men, online dating, single life, straight menEmily

Walking down the street, the guy next to me and I happen to awkwardly be keeping the same exact pace for almost a block.

Guy: “Hi there! We might as well interact if we’re going to stroll next to each other.”
Me: (laughing) “Guess so!”
Guy: “Wow– you have really pretty eyes.”
Me: (blushing) “Aw, thank you…”
Guy: “Don’t worry, I’m gay.”
Me: “Oh! I wasn’t worried…”
Guy: “Well, you know how straight guys are always pulling that shit…”

No. I don’t.

Straight guys don’t just randomly tell me I have pretty eyes. That would be lovely.

What straight guys do is compare me to their mother or ask me to sit on their face.

That Moment After a First Date When You Realize He Only Said “Let’s Do This Again” To Be Polite

April 28, 2015Dating/Single Lifebeing single, dating, dating advice, dating apps, dating in nyc, dating profiles, first date, modern dating, modern romance, online dating, single lifeEmily

Except instead of a home-cooked meal on the table, it’s take-out chinese on the table. And instead of two glasses on the table, it’s one glass on the table. But it’s not really a glass on the table, it’s a solo cup filled with wine on the table. And it’s not a table. It’s a foot stool.

This is New York, guys.

The Little Things

April 27, 2015Dating/Single Lifebeing single, dating, dating apps, dating in nyc, jswipe, modern dating, modern romance, online dating, single life, this guyEmily

Sometimes you have to find the little things in life to be grateful for.

Like the fact that I made it to age 33 having never encountered the term “little balloon knot.”

Or the fact that 15 minutes was spent sitting with my professional, educated colleagues debating the meaning of this term.

(For those of you wondering*, it’s an asshole)

*Mom and Dad

I’m So Confused

April 26, 2015Dating/Single Lifebeing single, dating, dating advice, dating apps, dating in nyc, dating profiles, first date, modern dating, modern romance, single lifeEmily

Guys, this really weird thing happened where I went on a date last night, had a nice time, and then I heard from him TODAY. Not a week later, not EXACTLY 3 days later, not by accident because he meant to text a different Emily, not the next time he was drunk/stoned/watching porn. The NEXT day. Sober. While the sun was still up.

What do you think that means?

Oh, that he’s a mature 30-something male in Manhattan?

Well. This is new.

Timeless Love

April 25, 2015Dating/Single Life, Random Thoughts/Happeningsbeing single, love, marriage, old peopleEmily

Every once in a while, I am blown away by the sight of an older couple so obviously and tenderly in love after so many years. Like right now. I’m sitting on the subway and there is an older couple across from me. They are easily in their 80s, possibly even late 80s. They have obviously been married for a very long time– they just give off that knowing, comfortable, you-are-my-soulmate-and-you-complete-me aura. They are holding hands, and his other hand in placed gently on her leg, helping her hold her purse. They are smiling at each other, literally gazing into each other’s eyes as if they are the only two human beings in the world. And as I sit here and watch them, I can’t help but think

Get a fucking room.

A Friendly, Informative Reminder to Married People

April 25, 2015Dating/Single Life, Friends30s, being single, dating, dating in nyc, friends, married friends, modern dating, online dating, single lifeEmily

Yesterday, while recounting the absurd, insulting, and downright disgusting interactions I have had on dating apps, a married friend said to me “I just LOVE living vicariously through my single friends’ stories!”

Here’s the thing, married people. We know you don’t actually mean any harm by this. But when you say such things, this is what we single people hear:

“Your life, much like a horror movie, is entertainment for me.

Seriously, I wish I had a tub of popcorn and some snowcaps. Maybe a coke.

Also, much like a horror movie, I am grateful it is not MY life. (For real. Thank. GOD.)

In fact, MOST like a horror movie, afterwards it makes me appreciate the safe, comfortable life I do have.

What I’m saying, in case I wasn’t clear, is that your life is essentially a gory, terrifying Stephen King film.

I’m sorry you’re the aging star of it.

It’s fun for ME, though.”

Then you laugh maniacally, hop in your diamond car, and drive home to your house made of Godiva, where your white-tux-clad husband is waiting for you with champagne and a foot rub.