My teacher friend texted saying she had a classic tutoring story for me. Please read below, and think about this tomorrow when you are sitting at your adult job at your adult desk in your adult office because THIS IS OUR LIFE.
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Not Stupid
Kid: “Miss Emily, is tooth fairy money pre-taxed?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “The money I get from the tooth fairy– do I have to pay taxes on it?”
Me: “I’m shocked you even know what taxes are.”
Kid (clearly insulted): “Umm…yeah. I’m not stupid!!”
Oh. Sorry. I guess your BELIEF IN THE TOOTH FAIRY threw me off.
Yes. Yes we are.
“Um excuse me…are we taking a test today?”
— Kid, waking up from a 45 minute nap during said test.
Weather Related Thought Spiral
Guess I’ll put away my puffy coat and grab my spring trench for the next 10 hours because NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.
To be clear, the seasonal affective part of me is thrilled with this randomly warm, if only for half a day, weather. But the anxious part of me worries that The Walking Dead is happening for real.
I understand that The Walking Dead has nothing to do with weather. But, like, you get it. The apocalypse. Death to mankind. Widespread chaos and destruction.
I’m not saying I actually believe any of this, I’m just saying that I bought some guns.
Because better safe than sorry and besides, it was SO EASY.
I just walked into the store screaming THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING and the guy behind the counter shrugged his shoulders and sold me 11 semi automatics.
I forgot why I started writing this.
What Rain Means
Rain on a Sunday is Mother Nature’s way of telling you that you’re not drinking enough homemade bloody marys under a faux fur blanket while binge-watching Broad City.
I know that seems weirdly specific.
But trust me on this one.
The Right Time
Eric is still holding a grudge from that time, back in the spring, when I rejected his invitation to a Mumford and Sons concert, especially now that I have a growing appreciation for live music (thanks to him).
#strategy
Things Po Says
Spot, on Po! I definitely ALWAYS bring food.
Oh it doesn’t count if I already ate the food? And I’m bringing it in my belly?
Then, neither. I bring neither.
You suck at this, Po.
Stupid Shit Zack Does
Less than two weeks ago, I received the following text from Zack:
So, being the good, caring sister that I am, I gave the appropriate dramatic, concerned response.
We then proceeded to have an in depth, highly detailed and descriptive discussion of his symptoms. Niagra Falls was used as a metaphor to describe the intensity. And, again, like a good, caring sister, I listened and offered sympathy.
Flash forward 13 days, he sent me this video of his dinner tonight:
No. I’m out.
It’s Like I Always Say– Nothing Good Happens After 9pm
Last night….
Fair. And true.
But this is exactly the kind of hazardous situation I find myself in when I linger in society past sundown– two young people were having a perfectly lovely first date and I interrupted it, arms flailing, screaming, “Little Michael?!?! Is that YOU?!?!?”
Zero chance he got laid after that.
I’m never leaving the couch again.
Sorry, Little Michael.
(For interrupting your date. And for calling you “Little Michael.” Last night and in this post. Also, sorry about this post).
Things That Scare the Shit Out of Me, Part 2
(Related to Things That Scare the Shit Out of Me )
Holy crap, guys. My life is the movie Groundhog Day.
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