All posts by Emily

This is a NO WHINING ZONE

Kids/Teaching, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , , , ,

Waiting for my drink at Starbucks, a woman and her young, exasperated-and-annoyed looking child stand next to me. And immediately, all I hear is whining. “It smells in here, my drink doesn’t taste good, I need more napkins, it’s too cold in here, what is TAKING so long?” And I’m just staring at the mom with my head in my hands.

So finally, thank GOD, she gets fed up, turns around, and yells “Oh my gosh, stop whining! This is a NO WHINING ZONE. It is NOT allowed.”

And she did. The mom stopped.

So thank you, kid. You must have a fantastic Kindergarten teacher.

no-whining

Finally! I’m In “That Place”

Dating/Single Life, , , ,

I just went running in the park and saw my ex boyfriend. He was with a girl who I can only assume is his new girlfriend, as they looked flirty and happy. And maybe it was the endorphins or maybe it’s just that I’m in a better, more mature, secure place in my life, but as I watched them I couldn’t help but think “You know what? That’s great.”

Because he totally got fat.

#dodgedthatbullet

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Share Your Favorite Blog Day!

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , , , , , , , ,

Guys! Now that I am an in-the-know member of the blogging community, I learned that today is international “Share Your Favorite Blog” Day!

The rules are simple–

1. Choose your favorite blog (this one)

2. Share it on your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat/Whatever the hell else is out there ruining our interpersonal skills

3. Type a quick blurb with your share, such as “THIS BLOG IS AMAZING AND YOU MUST READ IT!” or “THIS BLOG IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY LIFE!” or “THE WRITER OF THIS BLOG IS A COMPLETE DISASTER BUT IT’S FUN TO READ ABOUT!”

4. Become my new best friend (can only be accomplished by completing steps 1-3).

Thanks so much guys!! Share Your Favorite Blog Day is definitely my new favorite holiday, and I’m so grateful to the person who thought it up!**

**I thought it up. No such holiday exists. Unless you count this post as its birth. So I guess technically now it exists, but I’m the only one celebrating.

Just share my fucking blog. Please.

Share Your Favorite Blog Day

#shareyourfavoriteblogday

I’m So Confused

Dating/Single Life, , , , , , , , ,

Guys, this really weird thing happened where I went on a date last night, had a nice time, and then I heard from him TODAY. Not a week later, not EXACTLY 3 days later, not by accident because he meant to text a different Emily, not the next time he was drunk/stoned/watching porn. The NEXT day. Sober. While the sun was still up.

What do you think that means?

Oh, that he’s a mature 30-something male in Manhattan?

Well. This is new.

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Timeless Love

Dating/Single Life, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , ,

  

Every once in a while, I am blown away by the sight of an older couple so obviously and tenderly in love after so many years. Like right now. I’m sitting on the subway and there is an older couple across from me. They are easily in their 80s, possibly even late 80s.  They have obviously been married for a very long time– they just give off that knowing, comfortable, you-are-my-soulmate-and-you-complete-me aura. They are holding hands, and his other hand in placed gently on her leg, helping her hold her purse. They are smiling at each other, literally gazing into each other’s eyes as if they are the only two human beings in the world. And as I sit here and watch them, I can’t help but think 

Get a fucking room. 

A Friendly, Informative Reminder to Married People

Dating/Single Life, Friends, , , , , , , ,

Yesterday, while recounting the absurd, insulting, and downright disgusting interactions I have had on dating apps, a married friend said to me “I just LOVE living vicariously through my single friends’ stories!”

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Here’s the thing, married people. We know you don’t actually mean any harm by this. But when you say such things, this is what we single people hear:

“Your life, much like a horror movie, is entertainment for me.

Seriously, I wish I had a tub of popcorn and some snowcaps. Maybe a coke. 

Also, much like a horror movie, I am grateful it is not MY life. (For real. Thank. GOD.)

In fact, MOST like a horror movie, afterwards it makes me appreciate the safe, comfortable life I do have.

What I’m saying, in case I wasn’t clear, is that your life is essentially a gory, terrifying Stephen King film.

I’m sorry you’re the aging star of it.

It’s fun for ME, though.”

Then you laugh maniacally, hop in your diamond car, and drive home to your house made of Godiva, where your white-tux-clad husband is waiting for you with champagne and a foot rub.

Guys Know Nothing

Dating/Single Life, , , , , , ,

Him: “You have that natural look. Like, you’re pretty without makeup. That’s hard to pull off.”
Me: “I appreciate you saying that, but I’m not sure that’s accurate!”
Him: “It is. Trust me. Most girls show up to a first date wearing so much makeup. You barely have any on, and you look great. That’s really impressive.”
Me (coy smile, blushing): “Aw, well thank you.”

I was wearing a SHIT TON of makeup.

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