Kid: “Why are you called a tutor? Is it because you TOOT A LOT??!?!?”
(5 minutes of maniacal laughter at own joke)
Category Archives: Kids
I’ll Keep That in Mind, Person With Zero Life Experience
Kid: “How old is your son?”
Me: “Huh? I don’t have a son.”
Kid: “Oh, then who is that kid on your phone’s lock screen?”
Me: “Ooooooh, that’s my nephew!”
Kid: “Oh. So you don’t have any kids?”
Me: “No.”
Kid: “But you just got married, right?”
Me: “Correct.”
Kid: “Then shouldn’t your lock screen be a picture of your husband?”
Me: “Is that a rule?”
Kid: “Well, I just think, like, it should be THE most important person to you. And that person should be your husband, if you don’t have kids. I’m just saying.”
Well aren’t we judgy at 9 years old.
Pregnancy Brain
I contacted a client to let her know she paid me the wrong amount.
Client: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Must be pregnancy brain.”
Me: “You’re pregnant? Congratulations! That’s so exciting!”
Client: “Oh, no no. Back when I was pregnant, I started using ‘pregnancy brain’ as a reason for doing dumb things, and I’ve just continued to use it because it’s the best excuse.”
She had one kid 9 years ago.
The Future
About to play a math game…
Kid: “Can we use the dice app on your phone again?”
Me: “No, we only did that last time because I forgot the dice. But now I have them, so we can roll them ourselves.”
Kid (sigh): “But it’s so much easier to just touch your phone screen.”
Me: “But it’s so much nicer and more interesting to be a human who does old-timey human things, like hold real dice in your hand, and then extend your arm ever so slightly to roll them on the real, live floor. Plus they make a sound and everything!”
Kid: ( 
. crosses arms. pouts.)
We’re so fucked.
TGIF
I’m not gonna lie, I almost miss this.
Kid: “Wow! You’re the smartest adult I know!”
Me: “How many adults do you know?”
Kid: “Like, 2.”
Just now on the street…
“Dayuuuuuum Miss Emily! I knew you was young when you was my teacher, but you look even more young now. What you, like, 21? Look like you aging backward!”
— Former Kindergarten student, now a completely inappropriate 14-year-old punk with terrible grammar.
And my new favorite person.
Things I Understand
A parent watches me finish up a lesson with her kid.
Parent: “You’re really good with her. She really listens to you.”
Me: “Aw, thanks.”
Parent: “Not to scare you, but…you know it won’t be that way with your own kids, right?”
Um, yeah lady. The success of my entire home-tutoring career stems from the premise that kids don’t listen to their parents.
She’s Lucky She Has a Teacher in the Family Who Knows Things
My nephew just started school.
Now You Know How I Feel
I did a summer writing project with a 4th grader, who had free rein to choose a topic for an editorial, narrative, and informational piece. He chose football for all three. I warned him this was not my area of expertise.
Me (editing his piece): “What do you mean by ‘it makes it harder for the offense to juke?'”
Kid: “Like, for the player to change direction to avoid another player.”
Me: “Ah, got it. And what is ‘an audible?'”
Kid: “Seriously?”
Me: “I only know the adjective ‘audible.'”
Kid (head in hands, frustrated): “Oh, my god, Miss Emily. It’s like I have to explain EVERYTHING.”
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