One day, Eric will file for divorce, and he will put “She lost too many phone chargers” as the reason.
Category Archives: Relationships
Quit While You’re Ahead
Me, to Eric, after a friend commented that my loose “sack” dresses (the only thing I wear in summer) make me look like a grandma: “Does it bother you that I dress comfortably and not sexy?”
Eric: “Babe, are you kidding? Of course not. Wear whatever you want.”
Me: “Awww, that’s sweet. You’re the best.”
Eric: “Yeah. You think I even notice what you wear? I’ve never noticed once.”
Nope stop talking.
I Guess the Dancer Has a Side Job
Me: “Hey, what’s that dancer from Dancing with the Stars doing on the football channel!?”
Eric: “That’s Von Miller.”
This is Why I Can’t Leave Town
Me: “You’re officially not allowed to buy things without asking me.”
Eric: “You were away! You left me for a whole week!”
Must Be Nice
Eric (as I come to sit down on the couch with him): “Don’t you want to change into your more comfortable ‘couch clothes?'”
Me: “Why? What are you saying? You don’t like my dress?”
Eric: “Stop trying to guess what I’m thinking when I say things. You’re giving my brain way too much credit. Inside my head is just a bunch of corgis jumping.”
Survival Skills
Watching “The Murder of Laci Peterson” on A&E…
Me: “See, the husband definitely killed her. You don’t refer to a loved one in the past tense if they’re just ‘missing.’ Like if I went missing for a month, you’d still talk about me as if I were alive– you’d have hope.”
Eric: “If you went missing for 24 hours I would KNOW you are dead.”
Me: “You’d assume after just ONE day that I’d been murdered!?”
Eric: “Oh, no one would murder you. You’d just be wandering around, unable to figure out what to do for dinner, and starve.”
Like a Robot
There is an old cantankerous man who lives in our building, and every time he walks into the elevator and sees me on my phone (which is always), he makes a snide comment about it. Normally I just smile awkwardly and sort of ignore, but today I decided to defend myself.
Old man: “Those things are ruining people. Nobody talks to each other anymore.”
Me: “Yes, you always say that to me.”
Old man: “Well, it’s true. How’s anyone supposed to meet if they’re always looking at their phone?”
Me: “Actually, I met my husband on my phone.”
Old man: “You mean you were talking on the phone when you met him?”
Me: “No, I literally found him BECAUSE OF my phone. I was in an elevator like this one, and instead of talking to people around me, I was scrolling through a dating app. I came across his profile, read it, and I liked it, so I connected with him and we started talking.”
Old man: “I see…”
Me: “Right, so, if I hadn’t been looking at my phone, if I had been talking to people around me instead, as you always say I should be doing, then I wouldn’t have found my husband.”
Old man (long pause): “Well, young lady, I guess that’s a good point.”
Me (smiling, resisting the urge to literally pat myself on the back): “Thank you.”
(We both step out of the elevator and into the lobby)
Doorman: “Hey there, Eddie!”
Old man: “The whole world’s gone to shit. This girl met her husband INSIDE A PHONE! Like a ROBOT!”
Teamwork
Me (to Eric, once he arrives in the Outer Banks): “Thank god you’re here. I can’t figure out how to turn the TV off. It’s been on for 3 days, I’ve just been muting it at night. The ‘power’ button and ‘on’ button do nothing.”
Eric (glancing at remote for less than one second): “Please tell me you tried the ‘off’ button.”
Me: 
This is why I had to get married.
Can’t Argue With Hamilton
Eric is flying into Norfolk, Virginia tomorrow to meet us in the Outer Banks. I was going to pick him up, but the drive is almost 2 hours each way, and he’s insisting uber is fine.
(I still feel bad)
((Not bad enough to pick him up, though.))
Close Your Mouth
I’m an open-mouthed sleeper, which often results in chapped lips.
You know, from drool.
(Someone married me!)
To remedy this problem, I have asked Eric to please close my mouth for me while I sleep. As any husband would do for his wife.
Me, this morning, upon noticing my lips are chapped: “Ugh, this is all your fault– you didn’t close my mouth in my sleep!”
Eric: “I prefer to close your mouth when you’re awake.”
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