“I make your life worth reading about!”
— Eric, whose presence in my life has reduced my blog stats by roughly 70%.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Thanks For Your Help
It’s particularly hard to find the Starbucks iced Via packets during the winter season (I like to chug them for an energy boost before my morning runs….don’t ask), so I went out of my way to venture into a different Starbucks today, hopeful that they might have some.
Me: “Hi! Do you guys have any iced Via packets in stock?”
Barista: “Ugh, no I’m sorry. We’re all out.”
Me: “Ok. Figured I’d try! The iced Via packs are very hard to find in the winter!”
Barista: “Oh oh oh WAIT– you want the ICED ones?!”
Me (excited): “Yes!!!”
Barista: “I didn’t realize you said iced.”
Me: “Oh, sorry, maybe I forgot to say it– yes, iced!”
Barista: “Yeah we definitely don’t have those.”
You’re Definitely NOT Sorry
My mom just got to the Dominican Republic and sent the following:
I was happy for her, but jealous….
Mom wasted no time replying…
ZERO. FUCKS. GIVEN.
Teacher Snack
Hey teachers! Guess what? I just discovered that cheese makes the perfect after-school snack on a particularly rough day, just as long as you make sure it’s brie and that there’s an entire wheel of it and that you’re alone and that you eat it with your fist and that you salt it with your own tears.
Serious Headache
I always thought I was really prone to serious headaches, as I seem to have them all the time, but it has just occurred to me that I might be confusing “serious headache” with “being awake.”
Tip for the Anxious
If you are someone who is prone to anxiety, do yourself a favor and do NOT purchase scarlet red body wash. I promise that if you do, you will look down at the bottom of the shower while soaping yourself and be CERTAIN that you are bleeding from at least one organ. EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME.
It does wake me up, though.
NOTHING?
“Absolutely nothing noteworthy.” —
Urologist, after thoroughly inspecting my lady parts.
Fuck you, man.
Tutoring is Shitty
My teacher friend texted saying she had a classic tutoring story for me. Please read below, and think about this tomorrow when you are sitting at your adult job at your adult desk in your adult office because THIS IS OUR LIFE.
Not Stupid
Kid: “Miss Emily, is tooth fairy money pre-taxed?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “The money I get from the tooth fairy– do I have to pay taxes on it?”
Me: “I’m shocked you even know what taxes are.”
Kid (clearly insulted): “Umm…yeah. I’m not stupid!!”
Oh. Sorry. I guess your BELIEF IN THE TOOTH FAIRY threw me off.
What Rain Means
Rain on a Sunday is Mother Nature’s way of telling you that you’re not drinking enough homemade bloody marys under a faux fur blanket while binge-watching Broad City.
I know that seems weirdly specific.
But trust me on this one.
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