Kid goes to the bathroom during our session. He leaves the door open, so I can hear him peeing, and I can also hear him NOT wash his hands.
Kid (running out of the bathroom): “Ok done! Ready!”
Me: “No, no, no sir. Turn right back around and wash those hands.”
Kid: “But I did!”
Me: “I did not hear the sink running.”
Kid: “That’s because I used spit!”
A potential client called to inquire about writing lessons for her son
Potential Client: “I just want my kid to know how to write. In complete sentences. With punctuation and real words. Everything today is text-speak and emojis, I feel like he isn’t getting reinforcement for actual WRITING, and that’s still a skill that is extremely important, you know what I mean?”
Me: 
I got the job.
Someone destroyed my parents’ mailbox in Potomac. Mom sent this email:
Followed by this email:
I can’t even by offended by this. When I saw the photo, sitting on my couch in NYC, even I wondered if I did it.
Just seems like something I’d do.
This kid does NOT enjoy learning math with me…
Kid: “This is SO BORING!!!”
Me: “Well, I’m sorry you think so. But sometimes life is boring.”
Kid: (screaming in dramatic agony) “BUT THAT’S TERRIBLE AND I HATE IT AND IT’S NO FAIR!!!”
Me: “I agree. Life isn’t fair. But do you see ME screaming my head off and wailing about it? No, you do not.”
Because I do that at home, alone, into a pillow.
That moment 10 minutes into your FaceTime tutoring session with a 4th grader when you realize the backdrop he’s curiously staring at behind you is no less than 13 bottles of liquor, plus a spoon holding a wine opener hostage with a gun.
Me: “I see all these parents getting weepy about sending their 4th or 5th grade kids to camp for the first time, but I don’t even have kids yet and I’m already SO excited to send them. They’ll be going to 2-month sleep away camp when they’re 7.”
Friend: “7 years old?! That’s kind of young.”
Me: “7 months old.”
Tutoring a 7-year-old…
Kid: “How old are you? 21?”
Me (laughing): “No, close though. 35.”
Kid: “35?! So then you have kids, right?”
Me: “No, I do not.”
Kid: “But you’re older than 30. Everyone older than 30 has kids.”
Me: “That’s not true at all, lots of people over 30 don’t have kids, and many choose to never have kids.”
Kid: “No, all adults have kids.”
Me: “So, again, not true. I would LIKE to have kids, though. But not yet. I JUST got married!”
Kid: “But you don’t have to be married to have kids.”
Me: “Well, yes, THAT is true.”
Kid: “You don’t even have to be a mom and dad to have kids– you can be two moms or two dads. Or just a mom or just a dad.”
Me: “That is absolutely true as well.”
Kid: “I know. Duh.”
Me: “It’s funny to me that you know all THAT, but you don’t know that lots of people over 30 don’t have kids.”
Kid <thinks about it…then shrugs>: “I know what I know.”
Tutoring 2nd grade boy in the public library….
Kid: “So now you have a husband?”
Me: “Correct.”
Kid: “Before he was your husband, were you guys dating?”
Me: “Yes, we were.”
Kid: <Dramatically puts head in hands, pulls at his hair, and makes extremely loud, prolonged barfing sound. Entire library stares.>
Me: “I know. I completely agree.”
As we’re about to start a tutoring session…
Parent: “We have big news for you– [Kid] improved so much on his report card!”
Kid: “Yeah, I did! My math grades are sooooo much better!”
Me: “That’s amazing!”
Parent (to kid): “And isn’t there someone (nods head towards me) you want to thank for helping you achieve that?”
Kid (Pauses. Looks confused. Then…): “Oh, oh! Duh!”
Me: “Aw, no thanks necess—”
Kid: “God!”
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