Me, to Eric, after a friend commented that my loose “sack” dresses (the only thing I wear in summer) make me look like a grandma: “Does it bother you that I dress comfortably and not sexy?”
Eric: “Babe, are you kidding? Of course not. Wear whatever you want.”
Me: “Awww, that’s sweet. You’re the best.”
Eric: “Yeah. You think I even notice what you wear? I’ve never noticed once.”
Nope stop talking.
That moment 10 minutes into your FaceTime tutoring session with a 4th grader when you realize the backdrop he’s curiously staring at behind you is no less than 13 bottles of liquor, plus a spoon holding a wine opener hostage with a gun.
“Emily, no. NO. Jesus christ, just…no.”
— Friend, when I asked if I can wear my FitBit to my wedding.
Been cross-checking with married friends who know things, as I do not.
That moment when you order a garter for your wedding because people told you “You’re a bride, you HAVE to wear a garter!” and then it arrives and you instantly remember who you are as a person and return it.
“I mean…it’s a LITTLE nerdy.”
— Kid, age 6, re: my backpack
“What are Spanx!?”
— 2nd grade boy, when I opened up my laptop to do a reading program with him and a HUGE photo of my latest online shopping purchase popped up.
“I think maybe a leotard, Moana’s necklace, and a Burger King crown on your head.”
— Kid, age 6, when I asked him what I should wear on my wedding day.
I had my hair trial for the wedding today.
Me: “Before we begin, I think it’s important to stress again that I am a VERY sweaty person, and this MUST be taken into consideration when planning a hairdo.”
Hairstylist: “Don’t worry. I’ve done a lot of Jewish brides.”
I got a referral for a wedding hair stylist and gave her a call…
Stylist: “So tell me a little about yourself.”
Me: “I am a sweaty, frizzy-haired Jew. I have lots of anxiety. I feel prettiest when I wear my hair down, but, due to my aforementioned sweat problem, that might not be an option for the wedding. But the idea of wearing my hair up is giving me anxiety, because I never wear my hair up for special occasions. And now I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it.”
Stylist: (laughs) “Ok…”
Me: “Sorry, was that not the information you were looking for?”
Stylist: “Well most people start by telling me their name.”
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