All posts by Emily

Marathon Day Will be a Major Milestone in Our Relationship

Relationships, , , , , ,

Ever since Eric and I started dating, I have been in some stage of marathon training. I’ve been waking up early to do very long runs, and he’s patiently been dealing with my constant exhaustion (and subsequent irritability), 8:15pm betimes, complaints of stomach cramps and soreness, self-imposed anxiety, profuse sweating, raging and erratic hunger, frequent napping, bizarre skin chaffing, and complete lack of motivation to leave the neighborhood because I JUST. CAN’T.

So needless to say, he is super psyched for the day this marathon is over.

What he doesn’t realize, however, is that it is going to be a pretty rough day.

Because that’s the day he will discover that none of the above has anything to do with marathon training.

It’s just who I am as a person.

#toolatenow #strategy

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Ebola Mom, Part 44

Kids/Teaching, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(Part of the Ebola Mom series)

First time tutoring Ebola Mom’s kid since last school year…

Me: “Hey kiddo! How was your trip to Europe?”
Kid: “So good! We stayed in REALLY fancy hotels! I had to wear a fancy dress to dinner EVERY night!”
Me: “Oooh, how nice!”
Kid: “Yeah. And I got you a present!”
Me: “You did?! Aw, you shouldn’t have.”

Kid hands me this:

M&M

Me (trying to hide my what-the-fuckness): “Oh, M&Ms!”
Kid: “My mom said I could only spend $2.”
Me: “Ok, well. That makes sense. What with the cost of the fancy hotels and all…”
Kid: “Yeah. So I wanted to get something nicer but I could only get candy.”
Me: “Well, they’re M&Ms all the way from Europe, so they must be special!”
Kid: “Actually I got them at the airport.”
Me: “That’s still Europe!”
Kid: “JFK Airport.”
Me: “Oh.”

I think I handled this with aplomb

Kids/Teaching, , , , , , , ,

Kid: “Miss Emily, can you please look at this for me?”

(This = the inside of his gums, where he had a huge, raging canker sore)

Me: “I’m looking. And I see. So I’m going to stop looking now.”
Kid: “Well it’s just that it hurts. Do you see anything?”
Me: “Yes. It appears you have a canker sore.”
Kid: “Will it kill me?”
Me: “What?! No. No it will not.”
Kid: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes. Canker sores are annoying and unpleasant, but they go away and they will certainly not kill you.”
Kid: “Is it like a cold sore? Because a cold sore can kill you.”
Me: “It’s different from a cold sore…but last time I checked, a cold sore will not kill you either.”
Kid: “Well that’s not true. You don’t always get them in your mouth…”
Me: “This conversation is over. Please get back to work.”

And then I stood up, went to the other side of the room, and hid behind the math center.

Because that’s what you do when a 9-year-old alludes to genital herpes.

You run away and hide behind a bin of protractors.

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#mastersdegree

My Solution to Gun Control

Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , ,

  
The thing is, I actually believe this. Gun emojis are the new e-cigarette. 

Go ahead, try it. 

🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🐈🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫

Zero percent chance you’re still angry. No one gets hurt. 

And yeah. That’s a cat. 

I Need an Agent

blogging, , , , , , ,

28 weeks ago, I posted the photo below (of MY water bottle) on my Instagram. It received a whopping 8 likes.

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Yesterday, @teachermisery posted my photo on THEIR Instagram:

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689 likes!!!!!!!!!

I was honored and flattered that @teachermisery jacked my photo, but I couldn’t help but think “WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE ME?!?”

JK, it wasn’t that dramatic. But it WAS important enough for me to interrupt Eric at work and complain to him. And here was Positive Peter’s take:

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He’s so cute when he blatantly lies to my face.

And even if his numbers WERE accurate (I didn’t do the math, I’m just assuming he was bullshitting me, it’s sort of what he does), the 300 likes more than doubled, so now the stats are way off. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL WORSE, ERIC.

So a few things, friends:

  1. I need an agent. If you’re interested in doing that for exactly zero dollars, email me at emilysposts1@gmail.com
  2. Follow my Instagram, @emilysposts1. I used to just post screen shots of my posts but I soon learned that’s annoying, as people on Insta don’t like to read. I get it. Words are hard. Fair enough. So I’ve recently started posting more actual photos. YOU’RE WELCOME, all my friends who have complained! (so…all my friends.).
  3. I promise to never post a photo of a cat.
  4. I promise that if I break the promise in #3, it’ll be because I’m making fun of the cat.
  5. No, never mind. No cats. I’m firm on this.

That’s it.

You Can Learn a Very Good Lesson From My Family

Family, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This morning, as I was running at 6am after having been sick all week, I started to doubt my ability to run this upcoming Philadelphia marathon. 

But then I remembered that I ran my very first marathon a few years ago with an extremely painful UTI (don’t ask. I discovered it too late. And I’d come too far). 

And my sister ran a half marathon with a bladder full of kidney stones. 

And my brother ran a half marathon with two extremely chafed, stinging, bleeding nippples. 

And we ALL finished our races. And made pretty good time! Which just goes to show. 

My family is disgusting. 

We really should take better care of ourselves. 

Jesus Christ.