Student 1: “Miss Emily! Feeling better?”
Other 29 students: <silence. No acknowledgment of my existence.>
It’s good to be back.
All posts by Emily
Things I Will Say At Work Tomorrow
- “Yes. This hazmat suit is necessary.” (said to confused principal)
- “I don’t care that the hazmat suit is scaring you.” (said to kids)
- “Stop. Hands up. Now twirl!” (said to first kid who enters classroom, who will then be sprayed head to toe in Lysol)
- “Next! Stop and twirl!” (said to each successive kid)
- “Wear this.” (said to each kid, while handing them a SARS mask, a fanny pack of hand sanitizer, and a pin that says “BEWARE– I’m disgusting.”)
- “GO HOMMMMMMMMME!” (said to any kid who sniffles, coughs, or looks even remotely gross. So all of them.)
- “Throw that out, immediately.” (referring to kid’s shirt, after he wipes his nose on it)
- “Cut that off, now!” (referring to kid’s arm, after he wipes his nose on it)
- “Are you SERIOUS?” (referring to kid who wipes his nose on the classroom rug because I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN)
- “How is this my life?!” (said to God, over and over)
- <silence> (God, ignoring me. Plotting my next illness.)
Really? ANYONE You Know?
Things you don’t want to hear your psychiatrist say when you tell her you have the flu:
“Wow. You get sick more than anyone I know.”
My Super Gives Me An Unsolicited Lesson In Perspective
I opened my door to throw something in the trash chute, and happened to see my super in the hallway, so I asked him to come take a look at something for me. I showed him this:
Super (staring at tub): “Ok, what is problem?”
Me: “Oh? Really? I thought this was self-explanatory. But ok. The problem is that my water is brown.”
Super (no reaction): “Ok…”
Me: “Alright, let me try again. My water is brown and I would like it to not be brown.”
Super: “This is the problem?”
Me: “Yes. I have the flu. I’d like to take a shower. I can’t shower in brown water.”
Super: “You know the old man in 11F?”
Me: “No…”
Super: “He died today. THAT is a problem.”
Look, I’m very sorry to hear that. But your condescending tone is a little unfair and totally undeserved.
Also– can I use his shower?
My Best Friends Trust Me and Know I’m Not Insane
Someone Needs to Explain to My Mother How New York City Works
My mom, on the phone, after learning that I have the flu…
Mom: “Do you have any food in your apartment?”
Me: “A little. I have some soup.”
Mom: “Ok. Well, are there places there that will deliver?”
Dear Everyone Who Asked, Which is Everyone
Yes, I GOT THE FUCKING FLU SHOT.
I know this is a natural question to ask someone who has the flu, and I’m sure I’ve asked it a million times, but honestly, it comes off as slightly accusatory. Because what if my answer was no? Would your next line be, “Oh. Well then this is your own damn fault.”
Also, I thank you sincerely for checking in, and for all your well wishes. You guys are the BEST.
This Compassionate Guy
I’m fine. Thanks for asking.
This Is Only Getting Worse
Having the flu means forgetting to put on pants before opening the door for the man delivering your milkshake. And by forgetting, I mean not caring enough.
Stop judging me, guys! Yes– I like milkshakes when I’m sick!
Meet My Jewish Parents
My Dad gets my blog posts sent to his email. I guess the last one worried him.
