I was wondering what I did before Google, so I did what I always do when I start wondering.
Category Archives: Random Thoughts/Happenings
Things I Thought Were Un-Ruinable
Welp. He did it.
He ruined Cinco De Mayo.
And taco salad.
Transpondster
“Trump said ‘bigly.’ That doesn’t even make sense. How can he be president if he doesn’t make sense?” — 4th grader
Kid, I ask myself that every damn day.
Things I Learned Watching HGTV
Your home decor should match your personality.
Larry Wilmore Stand-Up at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
I haven’t seen this many uncomfortable, unamused white people in one room since the Oscars.
JOE BIDEN KNOWS MY NAME AND HE WROTE ME AN EMAIL!
And he’s asking me for a favor! ME!
And he wants to introduce me to his good friend Katie!
I can’t wait to write him back on the personal email account he used!
He must know about me from the blog.
Things Men Shouldn’t Try
Eric’s been watching a lot of home renovation shows on HGTV.
“Look, if you stack the blankets sideways, it creates a more modern look.”
I’m having anxiety.
Sassy Pedicurist: An Investigation
(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)
Many of you have expressed your sadness over the absence of Sassy Pedicurist. I know. Thanks to what I can only assume is Stockholm Syndrome, I miss that abusive, cranky old bitch too. So today I went to my old nail salon to inquire about her absence.
Me (to two manicurists sitting in the front): “Hi there! So I noticed that my regular manicurist has been gone for a while. I’m just wondering, is she coming back? Did she switch salons?”
Manicurist 1: “Which lady you talk about?”
Me: “Um…well, she’s older. I mean, not old. But like, older than you guys. I’m assuming. And, you know, she’s…Asian. So…”
(silence)
Me: “I’m not great at describing people.”
(silence)
Me: “Anyway, I’m just wondering where she went, because I really liked her. She did my nails for years.”
Manicurist 2: “What is her name?”
(Long pause)
Me: “I don’t know.”
So the good news is that I managed to eventually uncover that Sassy has been out of town, but will be back at the nail salon in about a month.
The bad news is that I can never go back there.
Tainted Bliss
I just got a massage at Bliss using a gift card I received from class parents. It was miraculous. As soon as the massage began, I fell in love with my massage therapist and couldn’t believe how good she was.
Me (after massage) “Oh my god, thank you so much, that felt amazing! I feel so much better! Seriously, you’re my new best friend. That was incredible. I’m so grateful.”
Massage therapist: “You are so welcome! Just a tip, you may want to work on your posture. That is definitely causing tension in your back. I notice you are a bit hunched over.”
Me: “Ok, will do! Thanks for the tip!”
Bitch.
The NYC Effect, Part 3
(Part of the The NYC Effect series)
The gourmet deli next to me has delicious, freshly prepared foods, but it’s not exactly efficient. Every time I go in, the line isn’t that long, yet somehow I end up standing in it for at least 20 minutes, waiting to order.
Today I watched the man behind the counter take the order of a woman a few people ahead of me in line. She asked for half a pound of coleslaw. He took FOREVER to prepare it. And once he did, he gave her way too much. She pointed this out, and he shrugged and said, “Eh, no extra charge. We’re not here to make money or speed you through, we’re here to make friends!”
The old, Maryland me: “I love that! How refreshing! A place in NYC that actually values human interaction over robotic, impersonal efficiency! And he gave her free food! I’m coming here all the time!”
Me after a few years in NYC: “Aw, that’s cute! But still. I’m kind of in a rush here…”
Me today: <immediately walk out>
I don’t need friends.
I need some fucking egg salad.
Now.
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