The text below refers to the following voicemail (to listen, hit play on the black audio bar) I left for my brother Jeremy on his birthday. I think it is a pitch-perfect, stunning example of why I don’t– and never should– make voice calls.
New Routines
“Good morning! How ya doing today? Sleep well? Did you do anything fun last night?”
— Me, to my reflection in the mirror, because working from home is weird.
Is anybody else REALLY FUCKING EXCITED for “This is Us”??!!??!?!
Watch this trailer and don’t cry I double dog DARE you (whether or not I’m drunk right now is irrelevant).
Within Reason
Tutoring a 9 year old boy….
Kid: “My dad says when I grow up I have to be a doctor or a lawyer or someone who makes lots of money. But my teacher says I can be whatever I want to be! Right?”
Me (frustrated by this kind of parenting): “Of course you can be whatever you want to be! You have to figure out what makes YOU happy. Nobody can tell you what you can and can’t do with your life!”
Kid: “Ok good. Because I want to be a dog walker.”
Oh ok no. You can’t do that.
Which is a less horribly annoying explanation to give to friends when they ask why you aren’t eating a particular food– “Because I’m paleo” or “Because I’m on the wedding diet.”
Either way I hate myself.
No One Cares
I get into the elevator and an elderly couple is having an intense discussion that immediately makes me uncomfortable and internally defensive of the nice old lady…
Lady: “Well I’m telling you, I sat down with her the other day and I could just tell she was upset. She’s feeling very left out.”
Man: “No she’s not.”
Lady: “Who are you to say that? You don’t know how she’s feeling!”
Man: “Who cares how she’s feeling?!”
(At this point I want to jump in and kick the guy for being so insensitive. Clearly this woman has deep concern for someone’s emotions, and he’s blowing it off. Typical male.)
Lady: “Excuse me. But I care! I care how she feels!”
Man: “Ok, fine. You care. No one else cares.”
Lady: “How can you say that? How can you say that no one cares about her feelings?”
Man: “Because she’s a fucking CAT, Irma!”
Oh.
Ok yeah.
She’s a fucking cat, Irma.
Yes. Because that’s how famous I am.
My mother, in a text to my brothers, expressing what I think we can all agree is a completely valid wedding concern:
Ebola Mom, Part 55
“Oooooh Aaron Rodgers! From The Bachelorette scandal!”
— Me, watching football.
All I ask on this 9/11 anniversary is for every politician to shut their damn mouth and every football player to fucking stand. I don’t have it in my heart to be disgusted by you tomorrow.
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