Finishing a math lesson with a 5 year old….
Me: “Any questions?”
Kid: “Yeah. When that baby comes out of your vagina, is it going to hurt?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “Babies come out of vaginas, you know. My dad told me when I asked him how your baby was going to get out of you. He said it would come out of your vagina.”
Me: “Well, remind me to thank your dad. But what I meant was, do you have any MATH questions.”
Kid: “Ummmm…let me think.”
Me: “We just did a whole lesson about how to tell time and read a calendar. Do you have questions about THAT?”
Kid: “Oh! Yes. How many days on the calendar…”
Me: “Ok, that’s better…”
Kid: “…until that baby comes out of your vagina?”
I wish I could blame this on pregnancy hormones, but no. This shit drives me nuts.
Working with a kid who never pays attention to anything I say, ever.
Me: “I noticed you are extremely focused today. I love it!”
Kid: “Yeah well I realized that you are really smart and have a lot to teach me, and I should really listen to you because you’re a great teacher.”
Me: “Really? So all this focus is because of ME? You just woke up and suddenly realized I’m great?!”
Kid: “Yeah. Is that so crazy? I’m going to listen from now on, because you helped me see that’s important.”
Me (tearing up): “Wow, I just never knew I could have that kind of influence on you. It just goes to show that having one positive role model can really change–
Kid: “Oh and I started taking Ritalin. So maybe that’s also it.”
(Part of the Ebola Mom series )
On Monday I sent an email to all my clients letting them know I am pregnant, and giving them a heads up about my planned maternity leave in the fall. Every single one of them responded with congratulations and well-wishes, except for Ebola Mom, who did not respond at all.
And just now I received this:
Yesterday I sent an email to my clients letting them know I am pregnant so that they can plan for my time off accordingly. One Mom responded, “That’s fantastic news! Please share with [kid] at her session today, she will be SOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!”
Me: “So…your mom wanted me to share some exciting news with you…”
Me: “I’m going to have a baby!”
Me: “A little girl!”
Me: “Not yet, though. Not until August.”
Me: “Ok, well. Your mom thought you’d be excited…”
I normally only tutor grades PreK-5, but I have one 7th grader who I’ve been with for years, and who is far too wise for her age.
Kid (watching me eat my standard pregnancy-nausea Saltines from a plastic baggie): “You’ve been snacking a lot during our sessions lately.”
Me: “Oh. Yes. I know. I’m sorry, I hope it’s not distracting. I just…I’m taking a vitamin and it makes me a little sick if I don’t eat.”
Kid (looking me up and down skeptically): “Mmmm hmmm.”
Me (closing my sweater self-consciously): “It’s true.”
Kid: “You look more tired, too. And last week you brought the wrong folder.”
Me: “It’s the vitamins. They make me tired. And forgetful. They have lots of side effects.”
Kid (rolling eyes): “Ok. Just remember– I’m 13. I know things. I watch a lot of TV.”
Me: “Ok, well, I’d appreciate if–”
Kid: “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Kid: “….that you’re smoking pot.”
Me: “Soooo…what’s this stuck to your homework? Looks like a chewed up snack of some sort?”
Kid: “Ewwwww no!”
Me: “Ok, phew.”
Kid: “It’s a booger.”
This kid is 4.
Kid: “What’s your husband’s name?”
Kid: “Oh, like PRINCE ERIC?”
Me: “Yes. That is what I call him. Prince Eric.”
Kid (excited, in one breath): “So you used to be a mermaid and sing songs on a rock and had a friend named Sebastian and also a friend Flounder and then you lost your voice so you could be a human and marry Eric and an evil octopus tried to stop you but then she didn’t and then you got your voice back and then you weren’t a mermaid anymore and you and Eric lived happily ever after because you’re the good guys and the good guys always live happily ever after?”
Me: “Woah, um, ok. So that’s not…”
Me: “You know what? Yes. That is exactly what happened.”
Kid: “I KNEW it.”
Steph went to retrieve my nephew after his nap, and encountered him with poop all over his hands. Seems he woke up early, got bored, and found a way to entertain himself.
Kid is nothing if not resourceful.
(After Steph sends photo….)