Kid: “Miss Emily, how come you never wear any makeup?”
I wear makeup every day.
Tag Archives: style
Walk Away From The Decorative, Old-Timey Scissors…
Damnit, Anthropologie! Stop tricking me into believing I’m a whimsical person.
Christ.
The bandanas made it.
How Embarrassing for THAT Person
Just ran into my Super outside the compactor room, which is next to the laundry room.
Super: “Emily, you did laundry yesterday, yes?”
Me: “Yes!”
Super: “There were some things left in one of the dryers. I put them on the counter in there, you might want to check if they’re yours.”
Me: “Oh, ok, great! Thank you! They probably ARE mine, that sounds like something I would do.”
I enter the laundry room, and sitting on the counter is a SUPER tiny black lace thong and a pair of ridiculously worn-out cotton underwear that clearly should have been thrown away years ago.
Me (yelling): “Oh my gosh– no, no, no! These are definitely NOT mine!”
Super (laughing): “Oh, ok.”
Me: “I swear! I can be forgetful, but I’d never leave items like THAT lying around!”
Super: “Ok. Somebody else then!”
Me: “How embarrassing for THAT person!”
They are 100% mine.
What is Love?
Manicurist: “THIS color? You sure?”
Me: “Yes.”
Manicurist: “No one choose this color. I never open.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ll bet. But the Broncos are in the super bowl and my boyfriend is a HUGE fan. So I’m supporting him.”
Woman sitting next to me: “That’s so funny, I was going to do the same thing!”
Me: “Really?”
Woman: “Yeah. But then I saw the color and was like ‘Nope. Can’t do it. Too ugly. Wayyyy too ugly.'”
She’s not wrong.
The Whitest, Jewiest Text I’ve Ever Received
Online Shopping
I love clothes-shopping online because rather than having to go to the store and try everything on myself, I can just view it on the model and instantly decide if I like it or not.
Then the clothes arrive and I remember that I am not a model.
Sassy Pedicurist: M.I.A.
(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)
Many people have been asking me what has happened to Sassy Pedicurist, as we haven’t heard from her in a while.
I’m not quite sure. I have had my nails done many times in the past several months, and she has not been at the salon. She used to be there almost every single time, and now she has virtually disappeared. It’s as though she sensed that I found a man, and now her work here is done.
I’m starting to question if she ever even existed.
Me: “I’ll go with ‘Size Matters.’ Because it does.”
Nail lady: <blank stare>
Therapy
Therapist: “How are the sensory issues this week?”
Me: “I did what you told me and got new bras– and they definitely fit WAY better! It made me realize how old and stretched out my other ones were. But I still can’t WAIT to take them off.”
Therapist: “Ok, well then you probably do have a bit of a natural sensitivity to it, regardless of the fit.”
Me: “So I got new bras for nothing?”
Therapist: “Well I wouldn’t say it was for nothing.”
Me: “But the sensory problem isn’t fixed.”
Therapist: “Ok, but…you should still have new bras.”
Me: “Right.”
Therapist: “That fit you.”
Me: “Yeah.”
Therapist: “And that aren’t 10 years old.”
Me: “Ok.”
Therapist: “Just as a general rule, you should replace your undergarments every once in a while.”
OK LADY. BACK OFF.
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