Me: “Isn’t it fun to learn new things?”
Kid: “No.”
Me: “Ok. But doesn’t it at least feel good to learn new things?”
Kid: “No.”
Me: “Ok, but it doesn’t NOT feel good, right?”
Kid (thinking): “No.”
Me: “Ah HAH!”
Kid: “I mean….Yes? Wait, what?”
Me: “Exactly.”
This kid does NOT enjoy learning math with me…
Kid: “This is SO BORING!!!”
Me: “Well, I’m sorry you think so. But sometimes life is boring.”
Kid: (screaming in dramatic agony) “BUT THAT’S TERRIBLE AND I HATE IT AND IT’S NO FAIR!!!”
Me: “I agree. Life isn’t fair. But do you see ME screaming my head off and wailing about it? No, you do not.”
Because I do that at home, alone, into a pillow.
That moment 10 minutes into your FaceTime tutoring session with a 4th grader when you realize the backdrop he’s curiously staring at behind you is no less than 13 bottles of liquor, plus a spoon holding a wine opener hostage with a gun.
Tutoring an 8 year old…
Me: “We’re going to have our Wednesday session on Monday instead, because I’m going to see Hamilton on Broadway.”
Kid: “Alexander Hamilton?!!!”
Me: “You know who he is?”
Kid: “Yes! A bastard, orphan…”
Me: “Oh, yikes, ok…”
Kid: “…son of a whore– AND a socks man! Which I think means he has a lot of socks. Or maybe he SELLS socks?”
Me: <head in hands>
Kid: “I’m not sure what a whore is, though.”
Tutoring a 7-year-old…
Kid: “How old are you? 21?”
Me (laughing): “No, close though. 35.”
Kid: “35?! So then you have kids, right?”
Me: “No, I do not.”
Kid: “But you’re older than 30. Everyone older than 30 has kids.”
Me: “That’s not true at all, lots of people over 30 don’t have kids, and many choose to never have kids.”
Kid: “No, all adults have kids.”
Me: “So, again, not true. I would LIKE to have kids, though. But not yet. I JUST got married!”
Kid: “But you don’t have to be married to have kids.”
Me: “Well, yes, THAT is true.”
Kid: “You don’t even have to be a mom and dad to have kids– you can be two moms or two dads. Or just a mom or just a dad.”
Me: “That is absolutely true as well.”
Kid: “I know. Duh.”
Me: “It’s funny to me that you know all THAT, but you don’t know that lots of people over 30 don’t have kids.”
Kid <thinks about it…then shrugs>: “I know what I know.”
Tutoring 2nd grade boy in the public library….
Kid: “So now you have a husband?”
Me: “Correct.”
Kid: “Before he was your husband, were you guys dating?”
Me: “Yes, we were.”
Kid: <Dramatically puts head in hands, pulls at his hair, and makes extremely loud, prolonged barfing sound. Entire library stares.>
Me: “I know. I completely agree.”
As we’re about to start a tutoring session…
Parent: “We have big news for you– [Kid] improved so much on his report card!”
Kid: “Yeah, I did! My math grades are sooooo much better!”
Me: “That’s amazing!”
Parent (to kid): “And isn’t there someone (nods head towards me) you want to thank for helping you achieve that?”
Kid (Pauses. Looks confused. Then…): “Oh, oh! Duh!”
Me: “Aw, no thanks necess—”
Kid: “God!”
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Zero time passed between these texts. For all she knows I am, in fact, on my honeymoon.
Also #4 is not hard.
“But why didn’t he just make a Facebook album?”
— Kid, age 7
“Here. I’m apposed to give you this. For your wedding.”
— Kid, age 4, wiping his runny nose and yogurt-covered mouth with his fingers, then using said fingers to hand me $100.
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