A $300 Analysis

Me: “So I think I figured out why I can’t stomach seafood, even though I really want to like it. I try so hard to find seafood I can eat, but I’m just so averse to it. Then this memory came back to me out of nowhere the other day, but it makes so much sense. When I was younger I went on vacation with my family. We left our goldfish at home, unattended, because…well, it was a goldfish, so whatever. When we came back, I was the first one to walk into the kitchen and see, there on the counter, right where we’d snack every day after school, the goldfish– on its side, dried up, shriveled, sad black eye staring at the ceiling. He had probably jumped out of his bowl on day 1, either with a grand plan for freedom or a suicidal death wish, and been crusting over there on the countertop for a week. He was so plastered to the marble that we needed a metal spatula to pry him off. At which point my dad turned to us and said, ‘Fish for dinner!’ Which of course, in hindsight, is hilarious, but at the time I’m pretty sure I was horrified. But anyway, don’t you think that makes so much sense as to why I can’t eat seafood?”

Therapist: “Well do you like the taste of seafood?”

Me: “No.”

Therapist: “So it’s probably just that. You don’t like how it tastes.”

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Don’t You Ever Say That

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Reading this book with a 1st grader…

Me: “So what did we learn in this book?”
Kid: “That Barack Obama was born in an African country.”
Me: “WHAT?! No, no, no. NO.”
Kid: “Yeah, it said that.”
Me: “No, it said Barack Obama was born in HAWAII– his FATHER is from Africa.”
Kid: “Oh, same thing though.”
Me: “No. NO. NOT the same thing. Not the same thing at all.”
Kid: (shrugs)
Me: “Repeat after me: ‘Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. In the UNITED STATES.'”
Kid: “Ok…”
Me: “Say it.”
Kid: “Barack Obama was born in Hawaii.”
Me: “I’m very serious about this. I can’t have you thinking that. And I definitely can’t have you going around saying ‘My tutor Emily taught me that Barack Obama was born in Africa.’ Do you understand?”
Kid: “I understand…”
Me: “He was NOT born in Africa.”
Kid: “Ok stop freaking out. I get it.”

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