(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Category Archives: Kids
The P-Word
Kid: “Who are you voting for?”
Me: “Oh, um. You know what, I’m not entirely sure I should say. I’m not sure what your parents’ views are, and I don’t know if they’d want me to share mine with you.”
Kid: “Oh, my parents HATE Donald Trump.”
Me: (laughing)
Kid: “Yeah. And since those tapes of him came out on the news, now we can’t even say the p-word in my house anymore! He ruined the p-word!”
Me: “Oh! Um, I’m sorry– WHAT?”
Kid: “Yeah even my grandpa can’t say the p-word anymore! And that’s all he ever talks about!”
Me: “Woah woah woah. What do you mean that’s all he ever talks about?”
Kid: “Yeah he always comes over and wants to talk about it and they’re like ‘you can’t say the p-word in this house!'”
Me: <silent, horrified stare>
Kid: “But if I whisper the p-word you won’t tell my parents, right?”
Me: “You know, I don’t think that’s the best ide–”
Kid (whispering): “Politics.”
But you can see why I panicked.
“No, no, no. Good ALWAYS beats evil. EVERY TIME! Don’t you ever read comic books?”
— Kid, age 7, on how he knows Trump will lose the election.
Dammit.
Chatting with parent before tutoring session…
Parent (referring to my switch from classroom teaching to full-time tutoring): “So you must love that you get to be your own boss now, right?”
Me: “Oh, absolutely. That’s one of the best things about my new career!”
(Later, alone with the kid)
Me: “You look a little distracted. Everything ok?”
Kid: “Yeah, I was just thinking– you said to Mom that you love being your own boss, but my mom pays you, so isn’t SHE your boss?”
Me: “Well, sort of, but technically…”
Kid: “And also, she could fire you, like how a boss does.”
Me: “Well yeah but…”
Kid: “And really, you work with a lot of kids, so each kid’s parent is your boss. So instead of having one boss you now have like a MILLION bosses.”
Me: “Ok, let’s get back to the math problem.”
Kid: “Why? Because I’m right?”
Me: “Yes.”
“You’re pretty funny for a girl.”
— Kid, age 9, to me.
Brainstorm
Teaching a writing lesson…
Me: “Ok, so we’re going to start with something called a ‘brainstorm.’ Have you heard that word before?”
Kid: “Yes! A brainstorm is when you have like a storm in your brain. Like when all your thoughts are bad and they just keep crashing around in your brain and it’s hard to stop them, even when you try to think of good things.”
No.
But you are my spirit animal.
Within Reason
Tutoring a 9 year old boy….
Kid: “My dad says when I grow up I have to be a doctor or a lawyer or someone who makes lots of money. But my teacher says I can be whatever I want to be! Right?”
Me (frustrated by this kind of parenting): “Of course you can be whatever you want to be! You have to figure out what makes YOU happy. Nobody can tell you what you can and can’t do with your life!”
Kid: “Ok good. Because I want to be a dog walker.”
Oh ok no. You can’t do that.
Balls
“A ball! A ball! A ball!”
— My 1 year old nephew, while grabbing my stomach.
And when his hand moved to my boob, he stopped saying it.
Kid: “Miss Emily, are you pregnant?”
Me: “No. Are YOU pregnant?”
Kid (confused): “That’s a silly question.”
Exactly.
That About Sums It Up
A few days ago, my coteacher and I sent this kid-written newspaper article to our significant others on the group text chain:
Then today, one of our students wrote a song about us and sang to us. We immediately sent it to the men.
We’ll be sure to publish that in the class paper. Advice column.
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