Category Archives: Random Thoughts/Happenings
Online Shopping
I love clothes-shopping online because rather than having to go to the store and try everything on myself, I can just view it on the model and instantly decide if I like it or not.
Then the clothes arrive and I remember that I am not a model.
Sassy Pedicurist: M.I.A.
(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)
Many people have been asking me what has happened to Sassy Pedicurist, as we haven’t heard from her in a while.
I’m not quite sure. I have had my nails done many times in the past several months, and she has not been at the salon. She used to be there almost every single time, and now she has virtually disappeared. It’s as though she sensed that I found a man, and now her work here is done.
I’m starting to question if she ever even existed.
Yes
Here are some conversations my marathon medal elicited from the children at school today:
Kid: “What’s that for?”
Me: “I ran a marathon!”
Kid: “Did you win?”
Me: “Yes.”
Kid: “Really?!”
Me: “Yes.”
——-
Kid: “Did you win the Nobel Prize!?”
Me: “Yes.”
——-
Kid: “Is that a necklace?”
Me: “Yes.”
——–
Kid: “Did you know you have a bell stuck to your neck?”
Me: “Yes.”
———
Kid: “Did you know your necklace has a crack on the bell part?”
Me: “Yes.”
———
Every single other kid in the school besides the 5 above: < Stare at medal. Stare at my face. Say nothing. Go about their day. >
———
Coworker: “Did any kids even congratulate you today?”
Me: “No.”
———
Conclusion: In general, kids, unlike adults, don’t give a fuck don’t know how to PRETEND to give a fuck that you ran a marathon.
Philosophical Question
If you run a full marathon (and I did– I have finish-line witnesses), but your time chip stops working after the 13.1 mile mark, did you really run a full marathon?
The answer is yes. You ran a full marathon in 2:09.
#besttimeever
Not for MYSELF
It’s official. iPhones can do everything now.
But before you get all excited, note that they are not actually available yet.
I only know that because I looked into it out of curiosity, not because I was buying it for myself.
Well, not really curiosity. I was looking to buy it, but, again, not for myself.
I was looking to purchase it as a gift for a Christmas Yankee swap that I am attending.
So that I could win it.
I Should Have Gone Out Tonight Rather Than Sit Here With My Thoughts
If I was cheering for me in the marathon, I would hold up a huge sign that said “EMILY’S POST(er)!!!!!”
Because that would be hilarious.
God I wish I were my friend.
Every time I get a haircut I think about chopping it all off and donating it to Locks Of Love, but it hardly seems like a good deed to give someone Jewish hair.
Really? ANYONE?
Me: “I’m running a marathon in Philadelphia this weekend!”
Kid: “Wow, really? I saw some of the New York marathon from my window, it was awesome!”
Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty amazing, huh? 26.2 miles!”
Kid: “Yeah. That’s what I thought! But my mom says that as long as you do the training right, really anyone can run a marathon.”
Me: “Your mom is a smart lady!”
She can go fuck herself, though.
Proof
When I won tickets to last night’s Adele concert at Radio City Music Hall via a congratulatory email, I was certain it had to be fake. I never win ANYTHING. The email said I had 8 hours to respond with a copy of my ID and a signed affidavit. I simply didn’t trust it.
“How do I know this is real? What if it’s ISIS?!” I asked Eric in a panic.
“You’re insane.” He replied. “The email is from Columbia Records. You entered through Adele’s website. It’s real.”
“But…but…how do you know for sure?!”
The email provided a number to call should I have any questions about the contest, so Eric suggested I call it. “But what would I even say to find out if it’s real?!” I said.
Exasperated, he took matters into his own hands and dialed the number himself. It rang once and someone picked up.
Person: “Columbia Records.”
Eric: “Hi, is this real?”
Person: “Yes.”
Eric: “Ok bye.”
Eric (to me): “It’s real.”
(It was real, though).
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