Eric: “You drool and talk in your sleep so much that sometimes I’m afraid you’re going to choke and drown.”
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Nothing More Annoying
In terms of wedding dress shopping (or life in general), there is pretty much nothing more annoying than when your mother disapproves of the choice you’ve made, and insists you explore other options because you just “never know.” Excuse me, but I am an adult, and I do know. I am perfectly capable of making this decision on my own. But fine, you came in to NYC, so I will humor you and go to ONE MORE PLACE and try on that dress that I would NEVER have thought to pick for myself, just so you can have the satisfaction of knowing I DID give your ridiculous opinions a shred of consideration.
Which leads us to the ONE thing in the world which is even MORE annoying than when your mother doesn’t trust your judgement–
When your mother is right.*
Bought the dress right on the spot.
About 398459238490 times better than the one I picked.
Thanks, Mom.
*I reserve the right to deny this post during future arguments.
Dad Joke
Me (giving Eric a possible explanation as to why someone didn’t call him back): “Well, last night was Kol Nidre and today is Yom Kippur, so maybe they’re busy.”
Eric: “Kol Nidre? What’s that?”
Me: “Ummm…the holiest night of the year.”
Eric: “No, Swiss Cheese Night is the holiest night of the year!”
Standard yearly reminder text from non-Jewish friend regarding Jewish happenings.
Years ago, I had a 1st grader who hit another boy in the class. I told that 1st grader to apologize immediately. So he crossed his arms defiantly, looked down at the floor, and mumbled “I’m sorry.” Then, the second I turned my back, he kicked the boy again and spit in his face.
Still a more sincere apology than Trump’s.
Things I Can Do Now
Sometimes I get anxious about my new career path– because change, no matter how good and how healthy, is always difficult for me (and, like, everyone on Earth. I know I’m not unique in this. I do think I am slightly more panicked/anxious/dramatic/unable-to-calm-the-fuck-down-y than the average human during a transition, but I recognize that general feelings of discomfort are pretty universal. So if anyone else is out there going through a time of change, feel free to hit me up for some commiseration. Or just try the exercise below. I found it extremely therapeutic, and I think it would make both my therapist and Oprah proud.)
Here’s a nifty list of things I can do now that I am no longer a classroom teacher, just as a reminder that I made the right choice for myself.
- Pee
- Pee in a bathroom that is a bathroom, not a closet or former jail cell
- Breathe without inhaling germs
- Breathe (in general)
- Go to the doctor
- Not go to the doctor, because I’m not sick anymore
- Have air conditioning when it’s hot
- Have heat when it’s cold
- Overall do my work in temperatures humans were meant to exist in
- Read the news
- Curse
- Curse while reading the news
- Not eat a packed lunch
- Not make a packed lunch
- Not make 5 packed lunches at once on Sunday night because the process of packing a lunch is so depressing, I have to do it all in one shot
- Cry. In the moment I feel like crying, without having to find the nearest janitors closet.
- Raise my voice without fear of abuse charges
- Make an important phone call without fear of being caught
- Answer an important phone call without fear of being caught
- Read/write an important text/email without fear of being caught
- Eat a snack without fear of being caught
- Drink a hot beverage without fear of being caught
- Not fear being caught for doing things all humans need to do to be human
- Wake up no earlier than 7:00am, as God intended
- Teach the way I want to teach, teach everything I planned to teach, and use my actual personality while teaching, because behavior management is no longer the priority
- Be honest, not politically correct, with parents.
- Truly know and care about every single child I work with (some classroom teachers are able to do this– I found it impossible)
- Be appropriately compensated for the work I do and the effort I put forth
- Feel effective
- Feel appreciated
- Pee (it’s worth repeating)
I Think We Can All Agree This is the Best Way to Handle it
“Have a great trip!”
— My doorman, every single afternoon, when I walk out the door with my rolling “work bag.”
I had hoped by now he would have realized that I’m not going on a trip. But he hasn’t.
So now I just yell back, “Thanks! I will!”
Because we’ve come too far.
We Fucking Love Cobb Salads
The text below refers to the following voicemail (to listen, hit play on the black audio bar) I left for my brother Jeremy on his birthday. I think it is a pitch-perfect, stunning example of why I don’t– and never should– make voice calls.
“Oooooh Aaron Rodgers! From The Bachelorette scandal!”
— Me, watching football.
Just Think What’ll Happen When I Give Him a PENCIL
“Oh my gosh, really?! For ME? Thank you! That is SO nice! I love it so much! You are such a nice person!”
— Kid, when I handed him this eraser as a “first day of tutoring” gift.
You’re welcome.
Also can I adopt you?
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