Someone destroyed my parents’ mailbox in Potomac. Mom sent this email:
Followed by this email:
I can’t even by offended by this. When I saw the photo, sitting on my couch in NYC, even I wondered if I did it.
Just seems like something I’d do.
Where DO Singles Meet?
I just spotted Eric’s wedding ring on the nightstand…
Valuable Practice
I actually love a good crying, meltdown tantrum during a tutoring session because it provides me with really valuable practice for the kind of mother I plan to be.
A really mean, unfair, impatient one.
Idea of the Day
A Jewish Man’s Mid-Life Crisis?
“I want to get a jean jacket.”
— Eric
I Am Not Above This
Me: “Isn’t it fun to learn new things?”
Kid: “No.”
Me: “Ok. But doesn’t it at least feel good to learn new things?”
Kid: “No.”
Me: “Ok, but it doesn’t NOT feel good, right?”
Kid (thinking): “No.”
Me: “Ah HAH!”
Kid: “I mean….Yes? Wait, what?”
Me: “Exactly.”
“See?! Look here! I did nothing wrong!”
— Kid at the zoo, pointing to a “DO NOT TOUCH THE ANIMALS” sign, while shoving two bullfrogs in his pocket and high-fiving a lemur.
Transparency does not equal innocence, Donald Trump Jr.
When She Says It It Sounds So Rational
“Let’s focus more on what makes sense for you, in your life, right now, and less on what makes sense for Kim Kardashian. In fact, as a broader goal, maybe we don’t make the Kardashians a factor in any decisions, big or small, ever.”
— Therapist, after I explained the reason for my current “Should I be freezing my eggs?!” anxiety-spiral.
Get it Together, Kid
This kid does NOT enjoy learning math with me…
Kid: “This is SO BORING!!!”
Me: “Well, I’m sorry you think so. But sometimes life is boring.”
Kid: (screaming in dramatic agony) “BUT THAT’S TERRIBLE AND I HATE IT AND IT’S NO FAIR!!!”
Me: “I agree. Life isn’t fair. But do you see ME screaming my head off and wailing about it? No, you do not.”
Because I do that at home, alone, into a pillow.
My Bad
That moment 10 minutes into your FaceTime tutoring session with a 4th grader when you realize the backdrop he’s curiously staring at behind you is no less than 13 bottles of liquor, plus a spoon holding a wine opener hostage with a gun.
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