Most people just write 2 or 3 words, like “Cocktail Attire” or “Black Tie Optional,” but I thought I’d do us all a favor and leave no room for questions or confusion.
Just Made a Friend
That time I got off the elevator, tried opening my apartment door, started cursing at the key/kicking the door when it wouldn’t open, then almost fell over when, while mid-kick, a man opened the door and angrily asked “MAY I HELP YOU?!”
Not my apartment.
Got off on the wrong floor.
Didn’t notice.
Ebola Mom, Part 64
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Glad someone’s keeping track of her kid’s progress. 
For reference, the state tests are scored on a 1-4 scale:
1= below grade level
2= approaching grade level
3= on grade level
4= above grade level
Doctor’s Orders!
Me: “Can I drink coffee with the Invisalign in?”
What the dentist said: “No. It will stain them. If you drink liquids with the braces in, they need to be clear liquids.”
What I heard: “Instead of coffee, start your morning with white wine.”
Don’t mind if I do!
I’ve Never Been Great With Lyrics
That moment when you realize that the guy in “Piano Man” is making love to his tonic and gin, not his tonic engine.
Me too, my friend. Me too.
“Oh my god– I really miss him. I really really REALLY miss him so so so much.”
— 4th Grader, after reading the title of this test-prep passage.
Pencil down, session over. You get an A+.
When Eric Folds the Laundry
Normally my designated task.
But it’s so cute when he tries.
Food Holder?
That moment when you know so little about cooking that you have to google image search the kitchen-related engagement gift someone sent you so that you call it the right thing in the thank you note.
Eric’s Having a Tough Time While I’m Away
I’ve been gone in Santa Barbara for about 36 hours.
The funny part is that he would be doing these exact same things if I were in NYC, I’d just be there in closer proximity, sitting like a lump, taking up air space.
He misses his lump.
Asking for Two Friends
Is it gross to share a Waterpik? Asking for two friends, one of whom is being super judgy about the other’s oral hygiene habits, meanwhile the other is OH SO SORRY she loves her fiance enough to not mind sharing a Waterpick with him, and DEEPLY apologizes for finding it unnecessary to own TWO Waterpiks because have you seen how small NYC bathrooms are?!
Anyway let them know what you think.
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