Me: “I’ve been told walnuts will improve my brain health.”
Eric: 
The Staff Bathroom
The first time this happened to me, there was no sign. Please don’t underestimate the sound, vibration, and fury of this “huge rattling.” I was certain one of the following scenarios was occurring:
1) My worst childhood fear is coming true– Jaws has found a way to exist in the toilet, and the flush is his attack signal.
2) Zombie apocalypse: attack of the pipe people.
3) I’m hallucinating. Things like this don’t happen to educated professionals at their place of employment. Did I take my meds today?
4) This “bathroom” is, as I’ve always suspected, a torture chamber for serial killers, designed to implode after any sudden movements.
5) I’ve done it. I’ve angered God.
But no. Turns out we just work in a dilapidated shithole that probably once housed zoo animals.
So…phew? 
Smart
“Leave it there so we look smart.” — Eric
It’s been there for 3 days now.
I just tripped over it.
Nothing about this looks smart.
You Need to Find a New Line of Work
Xray technician: “Ok, hold still, face forward, I’m going to take an xray of your neck.”
(pause as she takes xray)
Xray technician (looking at xray): “What the…?! What IS that?”
Me: “Oh my god, what?!”
Xray technician: “There’s a huge mass on the xray, right where I’m trying to get the photo.”
Me: “A mass?!”
Xray technician: “Yeah…right…Ohhh, oh oh. It’s your bun.”
Me: “My hair?”
Xray technician: “Yeah. Try putting your hair all the way up on the top of your head. My bad.”
Me: “Jesus, you scared me. Did you have to use the word ‘mass’?!”
Xray technician (laughing): “Sorry about that. It’s been a long Monday. You know how it is.”
No. No I do NOT.
Babysitters of the Year, Part 2
Ivy League
Kid: “Miss Emily, where did you go to college?”
Me: “University of Pennsylvania.”
Kid: “WOW! I bet that’s like one of the best colleges…”
Me (interrupting): “It is!”
Kid: “…in ALL of Pennsylvania!”
Babysitters of the Year
Yesterday Eric and I babysat my nephew (aka “The Boog”) for the entire day while my sister and brother in law were on Long Island. We put him to bed at 7:00pm.
Um, YOU’RE WELCOME.
How To Feel Young
Get some slightly older siblings who don’t understand technology.
Andrew (only 5 months older than me, aka MY AGE, by the way) repeatedly insists, “I don’t do apps. Everything an app does I can do on the internet.”
No.
He also claims “I don’t know how to use a flash drive because they didn’t exist when I was in college,” but that’s just him lying, which is a topic for another post.
Unfortunately, this attitude has married my sister, who at least understands that she doesn’t understand anything, but isn’t exactly determined to learn.
The result is this.
I promise you they will not.
I’m Still Learning How to do This Paleo Thing Correctly
Literally as I am licking almond butter off a spoon, I read this paleo lifestyle tip online: “Be reasonable about the way you eat your paleo foods. The point is to get back to our roots. There is nothing natural about licking a glob of almond butter off a spoon.”
Oh.
Ok, point taken.
So I shoved my fist in the jar and licked it off that instead.
He Thinks We’re at a Point in Our Relationship Where This is Funny
We’re not.
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