Me (to my building’s gym receptionist, who I’ve seen almost every single morning for over a year): “Hi Deena!”
Her: “It’s Daysha.”
So I turned around, left, and can never go back.
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Not the Same Thing
Kid goes to the bathroom during our session. He leaves the door open, so I can hear him peeing, and I can also hear him NOT wash his hands.
Kid (running out of the bathroom): “Ok done! Ready!”
Me: “No, no, no sir. Turn right back around and wash those hands.”
Kid: “But I did!”
Me: “I did not hear the sink running.”
Kid: “That’s because I used spit!”
Etiquette
Given the tagline of this blog, or what anyone can decipher from reading no less than three random posts, etiquette is not really my thing. I just don’t know the rules, and somehow I’ve reached age 35 without developing any kind of learned or innate sense for them. So help me out here.
Eric and I received a card from people who attended our wedding. We are prettttttty sure, given the wording of the card, and given who these people are, that they meant to include a check, but forgot.
Now, to be clear, it’s not that we’re so concerned with getting a gift, we just think these people would want to know if they forgot to send it. Right?
Also we want our fucking gift.
No no jk. Seriously, it’s the first reason I said.
So what’s the next step here? We considered calling them and being like, “Hey, cool card! I think the money fell out!” but there’s still that 5% chance they purposely chose to not give a gift.
Here are some ideas we’ve come up with:
- Write them a thank you card for their card.
- Split Uber fares with them until we’ve totaled the amount we’re pretty sure they would’ve given us.
- Have another wedding and let them try again.
- Instead of posting this post, “accidentally” email it to them.
- If doing #4, erase #4. And #5.
- Buy a corgi, send a thank you card for said corgi, include receipt for corgi, along with this emoji
. When they call us to be like “Um, we didn’t buy you a corgi,” be like “You didn’t? The corgi guy said it was from you! Sorry, what DID you get us?” and when they’re like, “We sent a check,” we’ll be like, “Ohhh, funny thing, we actually got a card from you and there was no check in it!” and then we all laugh and they re-send a check and we pay for the corgi ourselves. - Do #6, but if instead of saying “We sent a check” they say “We gave you a card,” say “WELL NOW YOU GOT US A CORGI TOO, MOTHERFUCKERS!” and hang up. Laugh maniacally. Stroke corgi.
- Post this post, have everyone who sent us a card wonder if they are the subjects of it. Field many texts.
Please Hold While I Get Your Medal
Eric: “So I was just with an older woman in the laundry room and she sees me putting clothes in the dryer and she’s like ‘What is this– a man doing the laundry? Really?’ And I was like ‘Yeah, of course!’ and she’s like ‘Really? Wow. Your wife doesn’t do the laundry?’ and I was like ‘Well, my wife and I split the chore 50/50– she does all the folding, so I do the washing and drying part’ and the woman was like ‘Oh my goodness, your wife is SO lucky!'”
Me, throughout this entire story: 
Stigma, Part 2
Eric (after reading Stigma ): “You know, that’s so weird because I just went to the doctor today and he was like ‘Oh! You got married!….Do you want some Prozac?'”
Stigma
Went to see my general practitioner for my yearly check-up today.
Doctor: “Are you still taking Prozac for depression and anxiety?”
Me: “Yes, 30mg.”
Doctor: “Hmmmm. That’s more than you were taking last year.”
Me: “Yes…”
Doctor: “But you just got married?”
Me: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Well that’s a happy event! That didn’t help the depression?”
Me: “It was a happy event. I’m not sure what that has to do with my mental illness.”
Doctor: “I would just think the wedding would boost your spirits, no?”
Me: “It did. It also boosted my husband’s spirits– and yet, wouldn’t you know it, he still has diabetes!”
Yeah, so. I need a new doctor.
Honesty Is the Best Policy
Guy friend (who is single): “Sooo…I know what you’ve been saying to your single girlfriends about me.”
Me: “Ok, fine. I figured it’d get back to you. But look. It’s nothing I wouldn’t say to your face. I absolutely adore you, you know that. I think you’re awesome. But at no point in knowing you have I seen any evidence that you want a real relationship. So yeah, I told my single girlfriends that– that I wouldn’t want to proactively set you up with them. Because I just don’t trust that you WANT a girlfriend. And you know what? I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. And it’s not a bad thing, it’s just the facts based on what–”
Guy friend: “Oh my god, stop talking. I was joking. I haven’t heard anything. ”
Oh.
Productive Therapy Session
Me: “It really frustrates me when the kids I tutor just blatantly don’t do the homework and then lie about it. I mean, come on. I know you’re, like, 8, but don’t insult me. I can see your lack of progress, kid! I don’t even actually care if you did it or not– just, like, don’t LIE to me!”
Therapist: “That is frustrating. But yes, like you said– they are 8.”
Me: “I know, I know. I don’t know why it annoys me so much. But it does.”
(later in the session)
Therapist: “So last time we talked about your anxiety and the importance of meditating to help relieve it. Have you been meditating more?”
Me: “Yes, every day.”
Not once.
Lady, you found just the tutor!
A potential client called to inquire about writing lessons for her son
Potential Client: “I just want my kid to know how to write. In complete sentences. With punctuation and real words. Everything today is text-speak and emojis, I feel like he isn’t getting reinforcement for actual WRITING, and that’s still a skill that is extremely important, you know what I mean?”
Me: 
I got the job.
Hot
I accidentally make eye contact with a guy standing next to me on the subway platform.
Guy: “You’re hot.”
Me (totally flustered, as this never happens to me): “Oh. Um. I– thanks? I’m married.”
Guy: “It’s hot.”
Oh.
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