Hey teachers! Guess what? I just discovered that cheese makes the perfect after-school snack on a particularly rough day, just as long as you make sure it’s brie and that there’s an entire wheel of it and that you’re alone and that you eat it with your fist and that you salt it with your own tears.
I always thought I was really prone to serious headaches, as I seem to have them all the time, but it has just occurred to me that I might be confusing “serious headache” with “being awake.”
According to Facebook, exactly 8 years ago to this day, I said the following:
I said the same fucking thing this morning.
#notgood
I know some teachers who are so traumatized by their germ-infested classrooms during cold/flu season that they wash every single item of clothing they wear, every single time they wear it. Which is completely ridiculous.
I burn mine.
Me (correcting a kid’s work): “20 divided by 2 is 40? So you’re telling me that if I split these 20 cubes into 2 equal groups, I’d have 40 in each group? Does that make sense? Is it logical?”
Kid: “No.”
Me: “Exactly. So it can’t be true. Remember, you ALWAYS have to ask yourself does this make sense? Is it logical?”
(moments later)
Kid: “Santa is real, right?”
Me: “Of course…”
Parent chaperone (to me, once we returned back to school after our field trip): “I always feel like teachers need a good, stiff drink after a field trip day.”
Me (laughing): “Aw, nah, we love field trips! It’s great to see the kids so excited!”
I am 3 drinks deep.
Me (to student): “Did you do your homework on a calculator?”
Kid: “No!!!”
Me: “Well, I find it hard to believe that you randomly came up with that super long number as your answer. Which would technically be the correct answer to 40 divided by 3, had you used a decimal point after the first 3. But that would be strange, since we never taught you decimal points. Only remainders.”
Kid: (Blank stare)
Me: “Also, I see NO work.”
Kid: (Blanker stare)
Me: “So again, I will ask you– did you use a calculator?”
Kid (wide-eyed): “NO. I did NOT.”
Me: “Unfortunately I don’t believe you.”
Kid: “I swear! I used an iPhone!!!!!”
That moment when the parent of a student sends you and your co-teacher a rude, confrontational note in an envelope, but she accidentally also encloses the results of her gynecological exam.
She has Menorrhagia.
It’s characterized by a heavy menstrual flow.
Yeah. I googled it.
Do NOT try to reprimand your misbehaving class while there is (unbeknownst to you) a huge chunk of chocolate stuck to your front tooth.
They will not take you seriously. Neither will your co-teacher.
No, really– your co-teacher and 27 nine-year-olds will laugh at you for 10 solid minutes, and you will lose all credibility.
But then, luckily, you’ll remember that you never truly had credibility.
And that will make you feel better.
Until 10 seconds later, when you realize how sad that is.
Just swallow your chocolate, ok?
Me: “When Columbus landed in what is now America, and he wanted to tell people back home what he found, what do you think he did?”
Kid: (Silence)
Me: “Well…Do you think he whipped out his iPhone and said ‘Siri– call home!’?”
Kid: (giggling) “Noooo!!!”
Me: “Well then what did he do?”
Kid (long, contemplative pause): “He probably used his flip phone.”
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