Me (ranting about a former client who didn’t understand or value the services I provide as a tutor): “It must be nice for you– you know, to be a doctor, and work in an established, revered field where your clients actually have respect for the work that you do.”
Therapist: “Half my clients have personality disorders. I get called the c-word and am told to go fuck myself at least three times a week.”
Oh.
Alright well I feel better now.
Me all year: “As a tutor, I am so damn tired of being treated as if I’m a nanny, dog-walker, or housekeeper– aka, ‘The Help.’ I have an advanced degree and academic expertise. I am not the help.”
Me at Christmas: “NO TIP!? But you tipped all the other help!”
Most of the time any of us text something to the sibling chain, it is with the assumption that Steph will either not read it or not understand it. She’s pretty much only included as a courtesy.
This is why.
Discussing how much to tip our doormen…
Eric’s mom: “I actually checked with Emily Post and it said to stay within your budget.”
Eric: “Wait, what? You went to Emily’s Posts to see how much to tip the doormen?”
Eric’s mom: “No. Emily Post, not Emily’s Posts.”
Eric: “Who’s Emily Post?”
Me: “Ummm the etiquette guru?”
(Silence)
Me: “Wait– do you not get why my blog is named Emily’s Posts? And the tag line… ‘like Emily Post, but the exact opposite?'”
(Pause)
Eric: “Ohhhh! No no no, I know.”
He didn’t know.
“It’s pussy! It’s pussy! It’s pussy! IT’S PUSSY! Auntie Em, it’s PUSSY!”
— my 2-year-old nephew.
(It’s Percy)
Eric: “Ok– do you want to go to Home Depot with me?”
This was in response to me saying that all I want to do today is relax. Thus proving what I have always suspected: Eric’s understanding of the word “relax” is the exact opposite of what the word “relax” actually means.
I’m not sure how we move forward.
I shaved my legs!
Discussing possible strategies for dealing with my seasonal depression….
Therapist: “Maybe start with some small, achievable actions. For example, shave your legs– because I know you, and I know you haven’t shaved them since summer ended.”
Me: “But if I do that now, then what will I get Eric for our wedding day?”
Therapist (sighs): “The gift of knowing he is marrying someone who regularly shaves her legs?”
Me: “So…lies. You’re saying I should get him lies.”
Therapist: <head in hands >
Me: “The Roku isn’t working.”
Eric: “What’s wrong with it?”
Me: “I don’t know, but when I press the ‘TV Input’ button, it doesn’t even go to the Roku channel.”
Eric: “Ok, so…if it’s skipping over that Input channel, what would logic tell you?”
Me: <blank stare>
Eric (speaking slowly): “What might that say about the INPUT WIRE for the Roku…?”
Me: <blanker stare>
Eric: “I’ll fix it.”
Me: “Thanks babe!”
Maybe next time we skip the lesson.
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Pretty sure she literally has us all programmed in her phone as “The Help.”
Emily's Posts 