Brain surgeon, pre-surgery, holding a drill to your skull: “Why, no. No I did not attend my training. No, I am not fully aware of the specific, acute challenges I might face once I get in there. But I’m a smart guy. I’ll figure this out. I don’t need to be told what to do.”
If that scenario alarms you– and IT FUCKING SHOULD– so should Trump’s attitude toward intelligence briefings.
I just tried face-timing my nephew, but as soon as he saw me on the screen, he started whining.
Me: “Ugh. I’m hanging up. Call me back when he’s not annoying.”
Andrew: “Ok.”
It’s been 15 minutes.
Just realized it’ll be 15 years.
Prompted by a storyline on a TV show, my friends and I found ourselves having the following discussion: If, god forbid, something should happen to one of our parents, would we be supportive of the other parent entering the dating world? Pretty much all of my friends agreed that they would be extremely uncomfortable and they were not sure they could be supportive.
But I think that’s pretty naive and close-minded. I’m much more realistic about these things.
In the sense that I don’t have to think about it, because my mom and dad are going to die at the same time. On the same day I do. I’ll be 90 years old and they’ll be 126, and we’ll all go peacefully in our sleep, holding hands.
I have notoriously disturbing dreams, clearly driven by my anxiety. Sometimes they’re straight up terrifying horror shows, other times they are just upsetting and leave me feeling uneasy, like last night’s.
Eric: “Did you sleep ok? You were tossing and turning.”
Me: “No. I had a dream where, for whatever reason, I was walking around a mall holding thousands of dollars in a bag. And I stopped in the mall arcade, and put a $1000 bill in the arcade machine, even though I meant to put in a $10. But then it was too late. So it ate the money and gave me tickets. But then, I actually ended up winning all these vouchers– like thousands of dollars in vouchers. All I had to do was go claim it. But then somehow I misplaced the bag with my cash and vouchers, and I ended up losing all the money I started with, plus the money I won. I started panicking, sweating, running around the mall, trying to retrace my steps. Everyone was telling me how irresponsible I am. And the more they said it, the more I panicked, but no matter what I did I couldn’t find my way back to the money, and nobody would help me.”
(silent pause)
Eric: “I dreamt that I wore my new Uggs and someone was like– ‘you don’t have to wear socks with those, they’re so soft!'”
This whole time I thought I needed to lose weight and get toned, but it turns out all I really needed to do was purchase this full-length skinny mirror.
This is definitely what people mean when they say that in the face of this new administration, we need to take action.
Trying really hard to learn all the doormen’s names before Christmas. 
“You did it! You did a really good job. I’m very proud of you.”
— Eric, after I survived a night out in NYC having accidentally forgotten my phone at home.
“No.”
— Kid, when I enthusiastically asked if she was ready and excited to learn.
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