Like a Tiny Well-Mannered Adult

A bunch of kids are gathered around the chalkboard at the kiddie gym, almost all of them with a snack:

Random Mom (to me): “How do you get your kid to eat so nicely and calmly? She’s like a tiny well-mannered adult!”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice of you to say! Um, I don’t know, I guess I just got lucky?”

Random Mom: “I just can’t believe she’s able to eat those blackberries without making ANY mess on her face.”

Me: “Oh. That’s actually not my kid…”

Random Mom: “Oh! Which one’s yours again? The kid with the cheerios in her hand?”

Me: “No…”

Random Mom: “Her? With the cheerios in the cup?”

Me: “No…”

Random Mom (sees no other choice): “With the cheerios stuck to her neck?”

Me: “Yes.”

(10 second silence)

Random Mom: “Are those even her cheerios?”

Me: “Nope.”

Random: “They’re in her hair too…”

Me: “I see that.”

Random: “How’d she even get them?”

Me: “Hard to say…”

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Spot On

Saleslady: “Has anyone ever told you that you have a dead-ringer celebrity doppelgänger?”
Me: “Yup, I get it all the time.”
Saleslady: “Ok, so I’m not crazy! You look exactly like–”

(in unison)

Me: “Sarah Jessica Parker!”
Saleslady: “Ellen Degeneres!”

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Pretty spot on visual depiction of how I like to delude myself vs. reality.

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Jewish Food

Getting Nora ready to attend a Yom Kippur break fast….

Me: “We’re going to eat lots of yummy Jewish food! Like bagels, and lox, and maybe even some kugel!”

Nanny: “Oh! I love Jewish food.”

Me: “Oh really?”

Nanny: “Yes my favorite is spaghetti bolognese.”

Me: Thinking_Face_Emoji

Nanny: “I worked for this Jewish lady and EVERY single Thursday she make spaghetti bolognese and I tell my husband ‘Oh, I LOVE this Jewish food!”

Me: “Ok, but spaghetti bolognese is not, like, a traditionally JEWISH food.”

Nanny: “But she is Jewish.”

Me: “Right…”

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Me: “She’s just a Jew who likes spaghetti.”

Nanny: images-1

Him

Nora is playing with another little girl in the kiddie gym. The supervisor of open playtime watches them for a bit and then turns to me.

Supervisor: “How old is he?”

Me: “She. She’s 13 months.”

Supervisor: “No no” (points at other little girl) “Not her.”

Me: “Right, I kno–”

Supervisor: (Points at Nora) “HIM.”

Jewish Mothers. Always Helpful.

(Related to Nora Left Eye Lopes, Nora Left Eye Lopes Part 2 and Nora Left Eye Lopes Part 3)

Facetiming with my mom….

Mom: “You know, I’m noticing now that YOUR right eye looks like it droops a little….”

Me: “Yes. I’m aware. It’s worse when I’m tired, which I am right now. Thank you for pointing it out, though.”

Mom: “Ok, well. I’m just saying.”

Me: “Uh huh.”

Mom: “There’s a surgery for that, you know.”

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Yellow!

At the kiddie gym, Nora is playing at the chalk board with another boy.

Nora (picks up yellow piece of chalk, shows it to boy): “It’s yellow!”

Boy’s Mom: “Oh my god, she knows her colors?! That’s amazing!”

Me: “Yeah I know it’s crazy.”

Boy’s Mom: “She’s a genius!”

Me: “Haha I like to think so!”

Nora: (picks up pink chalk): “It’s yellow!”

Nora: (picks up green chalk) “It’s yellow!”

Nora: (picks up blue chalk) “It’s yellow!”

Me: “Haha ok maybe she doesn’t know ALL the colors….”

Nora: (picks up bug off the floor) “It’s yellow!”

Me: “No no Nora that’s a bu—”

Nora: (eats bug)

Me: “Nora, no!”

Nora (mouth full of bug): “It’s yellow!”

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Boy’s Mom: <Picks up kid. Leaves.>

 

 

 

 

 

Very Dangerous

Nanny: “Nora has been doing something very dangerous.”
Me: “Oh no! What!?”
Nanny: “She puts things over her head. Everything. Towels, clothes, pillows.”
Me: “Oh really?”
Nanny: “Yes. She thinks it’s a game of peekaboo. But it’s very dangerous. I told her no, no, no.”
Me: “Ok good.”
Nanny: “It’s very important you stop this behavior when you see it.”
Me: “Oh, of course, I always do.”

One day earlier:

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Some People Are Just the Worst

Last month we officially joined a Kiddie Gym, and I’ve been taking Nora there almost every day. Due to my social anxiety (which results in an inadvertent yet epic resting bitch face that I am completely oblivious to until a homeless man inevitably sees me on the street and screams “Smile, sweetheart! Life’s not so bad!”), for the first few weeks I  pretty much kept to myself and probably wasn’t giving off the friendliest vibes to other moms.

Then today I decided that I’ve become more comfortable with the familiar faces and perhaps it’s time to try to be social and (gasp!) maybe even make a friend.

So this morning Nora was climbing the mats with a toddler boy who started getting a little rough, and his mom, who seemed pretty cool and normal and like someone I could totally be friends with, stepped in…

Boy’s Mom: “Nick, honey. Be gentle with the little girl. She’s just a baby!” (turns to me) “Sorry about that, he doesn’t know his own strength. We’re working on it.”

Me: “Oh, no worries at all! And it’s fine, Nora’s tough. I’m just impressed you knew she was a girl! Everyone always assumes she’s a boy.”

Boy’s Mom: “Oh, no, no! I’ll never make THAT mistake again!”

Me: “Oh did you think some short-haired baby girl was a boy and the mom had absolutely NO sense of humor about it?”

Boy’s Mom: “Yes…”

Me: <laughing> “Some people are just the worst.”

Boy’s Mom: “It was you. Last week.”

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We didn’t become friends.