It’s hard being an Economics PhD student in a family of people who don’t know things.
Tag Archives: family
Sometimes I’m Not Entirely Sure He’s Listening
Me: “Aw, my mom’s friend wrote me a really nice email. I donated to her son’s charity and she sent me such a lovely thank you note.”
Eric: “That’s nice. Look! <shows me his phone> Here’s a video about a collar you can put on a cat that translates it’s purr into a human voice.”
What. IS. That.
“I love you, and I’m sorry it has to be this way, but you are no longer invited to family vacation in the Outer Banks this summer. I’m sure you understand.”
— Me, to my 1 and a half year old nephew, as I witnessed his first tantrum.
My Hope For My Future Child
Now that I’ve seen my friends and sister raising children, I have learned a few things about what I want for my own future child.
When I have a kid, I hope he’s a really easy baby who sleeps a lot, and then, right around the time he’s supposed to start walking and talking, he instead turns 22 and gets a job.
Everything in between looks really hard.
Adulting
That first time there’s a family event and your dad doesn’t offer to pay for your accommodations.
No but seriously what do I do.
Early Warning Signs of Social Awkwardness
When I was a 4th grader, I dressed up as Michael Jackson for Halloween by putting on a wig, a glove, and covering my entire face in white face paint.
Fifteen years later, it is just now occurring to me how horribly offensive that was. I somehow managed, at age 9, to unknowingly create a more awkward and offensive scenario than going in blackface. I even remember one neighbor hesitating to give me candy. I figured he just wasn’t a Michael fan.
The year before that, in 3rd grade, I went as a hobo. I wore a sign around my neck that said “Buddy, can you spare a dime?” In the town of Potomac, Maryland, where there is now a Real Housewives series (inexplicably devoid of any Jews or white people, but that’s a subject for another post) being filmed. Enough said. We had a school Halloween parade (this was back in the days when schools let children have fun), and I marched through the halls and recess yard wearing my dirty t-shirt, disheveled hair, and “hilarious” sign. The other Potomac parents loved it. The other students didn’t get it (they had never seen a poor person). The teachers, who could not afford to live in Potomac, looked away. I figured maybe they felt bad that they didn’t have a dime to give me.
“Don’t worry!” I told my teacher, laughing. “You don’t REALLY have to give me money!”
She did not smile.
Finally, at age 16, I decided to be something normal for Halloween. A friend was throwing a big Halloween dance party, and I went as Cinderella. Full-blown floor length ball gown, crown, the works.
“Finally!” my mom cried as she dropped me off at the party, “I’ve tried for years to get you wear something like this for Halloween!”
I rolled my eyes, slid the mini-van door closed, and walked into the party, fluffing my skirt upon entrance.
I was the only one in costume.
It’s a wonder I ever leave the apartment.
Survival Tactics
Me and a friend (a new friend who doesn’t know me or my family that well), discussing the idea of large families:
Friend: “I can’t BELIEVE your mom had four children. That is so many!”
Me: “I completely agree. I mean, it’s great now that we are all adults. But as young kids? Four is too many. My mom had to live in her car for like 15 years.”
Friend: “Wait, what?! She LIVED in the car? Why? Where did the rest of you live?”
Me (laughing): “No no, I’m sorry. I meant that she had to spend all of her time in the car. Driving us to all our activities and carpooling.”
Friend: “Oh my god. I thought you meant like because of having so many kids, there wasn’t enough room in the house, or enough money or something, so she had to live alone in her car.”
No. But to be honest, she probably would have preferred that arrangement.
Makes Sense
“Oh, I don’t vote. My vote doesn’t matter.”
— Jeremy, former Hillary Clinton campaign worker, former campaign manager for NH Senator Betsi DeVries, and Political Science PhD candidate, when I asked him who he’s voting for.
Nothing But Carcass
“I’m every bird’s worst nightmare.”
— Mom, casually explaining the manner in which she eats chicken.
My Judaism is Rusty
This year we had two lovely, very inquisitive non-Jews at our Seder.
I did my best.
Guest: “And what does the maror symbolize?”
Me: “The bitterness of slavery.”
Guest: “And the charoset?”
Me: “The mortar the slaves used between the bricks when they were building for the Eygptian pharohs.”
Guest: “And how about the shank bone?”
Me: “That represents how the slaves passed the time all those years in the desert.”
(Silence)
Me: “They boned.”
Emily's Posts 