Category Archives: Kids/Teaching

Honesty

Kids/Teaching, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

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Me (to student): “Did you do your homework on a calculator?”
Kid: “No!!!”
Me: “Well, I find it hard to believe that you randomly came up with that super long number as your answer. Which would technically be the correct answer to 40 divided by 3, had you used a decimal point after the first 3. But that would be strange, since we never taught you decimal points. Only remainders.”
Kid: (Blank stare)
Me: “Also, I see NO work.”
Kid: (Blanker stare)
Me: “So again, I will ask you– did you use a calculator?”
Kid (wide-eyed): “NO. I did NOT.”
Me: “Unfortunately I don’t believe you.”
Kid: “I swear! I used an iPhone!!!!!”

 

 

Thank You For Letting Us Know

Kids/Teaching, Teaching, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

That moment when the parent of a student sends you and your co-teacher a rude, confrontational note in an envelope, but she accidentally also encloses the results of her gynecological exam.

She has Menorrhagia.

It’s characterized by a heavy menstrual flow.

Yeah. I googled it.

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Teaching Advice

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Kids/Teaching, Teaching, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

Do NOT try to reprimand your misbehaving class while there is (unbeknownst to you) a huge chunk of chocolate stuck to your front tooth.

They will not take you seriously. Neither will your co-teacher.

No, really– your co-teacher and 27 nine-year-olds will laugh at you for 10 solid minutes, and you will lose all credibility.

But then, luckily, you’ll remember that you never truly had credibility.

And that will make you feel better.

Until 10 seconds later, when you realize how sad that is.

Just swallow your chocolate, ok?

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Yeah…He Probably Did

Kids, Kids/Teaching, , , , , , , ,

Me: “When Columbus landed in what is now America, and he wanted to tell people back home what he found, what do you think he did?”

Kid: (Silence)

Me: “Well…Do you think he whipped out his iPhone and said ‘Siri– call home!’?”

Kid: (giggling) “Noooo!!!”

Me: “Well then what did he do?”

Kid (long, contemplative pause): “He probably used his flip phone.”

 

Yes

Kids/Teaching, Random Thoughts/Happenings, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

Here are some conversations my marathon medal elicited from the children at school today:

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Kid: “What’s that for?”
Me: “I ran a marathon!”
Kid: “Did you win?”
Me: “Yes.”
Kid: “Really?!”
Me: “Yes.”

——-

Kid: “Did you win the Nobel Prize!?”
Me: “Yes.”

——-

Kid: “Is that a necklace?”
Me: “Yes.”

——–

Kid: “Did you know you have a bell stuck to your neck?”
Me: “Yes.”

———

Kid: “Did you know your necklace has a crack on the bell part?”
Me: “Yes.”

———

Every single other kid in the school besides the 5 above: < Stare at medal. Stare at my face. Say nothing. Go about their day. >

———

Coworker: “Did any kids even congratulate you today?”
Me: “No.”

———

Conclusion: In general, kids, unlike adults, don’t give a fuck don’t know how to PRETEND to give a fuck that you ran a marathon.

Punishment

Kids/Teaching, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

Today in school, a kid got in trouble for hitting another student. When my co-teacher and I told him that unfortunately, we would now have to inform his mother, he began to cry and begged us not to tell her.

Kid: “PLEASE don’t call my mom! She will punish me and I’ll be grounded!”
Us: “And what exactly happens when you are grounded?”
Kid: “I can’t do anything!”
Us: “Anything?”
Kid: “Yeah! I just have to sit on the couch and watch tv all day!”

So your punishment is the exact life I want to be living.

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No wonder you’re a disaster.